I’m going to be brutally honest with you. A lot of mainstream advice about your child having a meltdown tells you to ignore your child. Don’t give in to their demands and tears, if you give them attention it will encourage them to meltdown and tantrum even more.
I call BS! Now bear with me for a moment while I explain why…
Imagine if after a busy and stressful day at work, you come home and just want to tell your best friend or partner how awful and stressful it was, maybe you also cry a bit. And they leave the room and say to you “when you’ve stopped being so dramatic I’ll be ready to talk to you” (!!!) omg can you imagine!? Or if they said “I’m not gonna listen to you because you’ll just learn that you can call me whenever you’re upset.” Does that paint a brutally honest picture?
First off, if you have ever ignored your child during a meltdown I want you to kick that guilt and self-doubt right out of the window. There’s really no need for it.
We are all about learning, growing and moving forward. You are an amazing parent who is looking to learn alternative ways. That’s why you should feel extremely proud of yourself for taking the time to be taking the time, reading about how to respond to your child in more compassionate ways, to go through and reflect on what you have been doing that hasn’t helped and try something else that aligns with how you want your relationship with your child to thrive.
And second, if you have ignored your child during a meltdown you probably already know that it doesn’t really help or work and that’s why you’re here and that’s why I already love you!
I hope that you feel motivated to carry on reading and will not dwell on things in the past. We all make mistakes, mistakes are how we learn. Mistakes initiate change and through change is how we grow.
Let’s dive into the 6 DOs and 3 DONT’s…
6 things to do when your child is having a meltdown
#1 Change your perspective
This mind shift is not always easy but it is absolutely crucial to how you carry on through all the following points.
If we can move away from seeing a meltdown or tantrum as something our child is doing to us to what it really is: a developmentally appropriate response of an overwhelmed or overstimulated nervous system, we can then begin to approach it from a very different view.
Usually a meltdown or tantrum is a sign that our child is not coping with what’s going on. Look at is as a cry for help and then act on it from that standpoint.
Rather than asking yourself questions like “why are you doing this to me, what do you want, what’s the problem, why won’t you listen, why won’t you stop” etc etc we can ask “how can I help? What can I do to help my child through this tough moment.”
Once you do that, once you can initiate this extremely powerful mindshift, your whole attitude will change. Your tone will be different, your body language, your thoughts. Then compassion and empathy will flow out of you naturally.
They are little, they are still learning and they need their most trusted, loved person to be there for them when they are falling apart.
I would go so far as to say that tantrums and meltdowns can be a beautiful opportunity for connection. Your child is sharing with you their deepest and most intimate, raw feelings. You are their safest place in the whole world.
When they are at their most vulnerable and they are repeatedly comforted by you they feel safer and more secure each time this happens, this is what builds the strong connection between you, it builds that secure attachment that is so important for healthy emotional development.
t’s so powerful, it’s so beautiful and also for many of us it’s something we never had. When we are responding to our child’s meltdown with compassion we are at the same time responding to and healing our own inner child, telling them that it’s ok to feel this way, it’s ok that we felt like this.
#2 Meet your child where they are. Connect on an emotional level.
While our children are having a meltdown or tantrum this is a sign that their nervous system is in a dys-regulated state. In that moment their brain is overwhelmed and over flooded with emotions. Their brain is currently stuck in a survival response (fight, flight, freeze) and is not receptive to taking in any information.
This is why you can’t reason with a child who is in this emotional state, you can’t get them to think logically about what they want or get them to see how illogical or unreasonable their request/behaviour is at that moment.
Before we can hope to talk to them about anything or ‘teach’ them anything we need to open up a channel through connection. The thing is, if you look deep deep inside of you, that is probably what you want to do the most. But all those little voices are telling you that your child will have you wrapped round their little finger, or that they are manipulating you to get their way, or that they will never learn (learn what, I wonder?) if you’re always responding.
Do you know what they will learn? They will learn that when they are distressed you are there to help. They will learn that when they are upset, they can count on your comfort, that when they are overwhelmed and confused they can turn to you and will be there to guide them.
Approach them with empathy, remember that they are struggling in this moment with this emotion or impulse more than you 😉
#3 Acknowledge, Allow, Accept
Acknowledging emotions is probably one of the most powerful tools you can have as a parent. It’s incredible how their whole demeanour can change when a child feels heard. Often when I’ll repeat back to my toddler twins what they ‘really wanted’ or ‘they didn’t want’ they almost let out a cry of relief “yeeeeeeeees” and then collapse into my arms sobbing.
I have got a blog post about acknowledging emotions which you can read in more detail, but I’ll summarise it here for you. However, it’s not always easy to figure out what exactly they wanted or didn’t want.
When we know we want to connect, but find it a bit hard to know where to start…start with 3As: Acknowledge, Allow & Accept.
ACKNOWLEDGE
This is about acknowledging the child’s feelings as they stand. Not projecting what we think or feel, not imagining what they could be or should be feeling but simply seeing what’s in front of you. Without trying to solve or fix the problem, without trying to distract or re-direct, just sitting with them in the emotion that they are experiencing, and seeing it AS THEY ARE.
Acknowledge that you see what they wanted / didn’t’ want and how it made them feel. Think of it as a kind of ‘head nod’ that means “I see you.”
Saying that, don’t feel like you need to be narrating your child’s feelings the whole time. Your presence is the most important aspect of this process. Acknowledge once and then support the rest with your presence.
ALLOW
I see how you feel and now I’m going to listen. This is the message we want our children to receive.
It’s like you’re saying ‘bring it on, I am ready for it, I am here for it and I am not afraid or shaken up by it.’ But ultimately we are saying to our children “I am here for you during these tough moments. You are safe feeling these feelings.”
ACCEPT
Accept their emotions. Not just for your child (which of course we are doing) but also for yourself. Sometimes we feel the need to change how our child is feeling. We want them to stop crying or moaning, to feel better, to get over that one thing that made them upset, but the truth is we cannot.
We cannot change how they are feeling and we cannot change how they are expressing themselves. In those moments, I find it easier to accept “my child is having a tough morning” rather than wishing they were feeling happier. We all have tough moments and accepting that this is happening will again help us respond in a more understanding way.
#4 Help them regulate through co-regulation
Ok, so we’ve done all the internal, mental work, we’ve shifted our perspective, accepted their feelings, connected with them but what do we actually do to help our child through a meltdown?
You’ve connected, you’ve acknowledged their feelings and they are still extremely upset. They are completely dys-regulated and their nervous system is in full blown survival mode. They might be crying, screaming, shouting, kicking, throwing their arms or legs around.
We can sometimes feel intimidated by this behaviour, it’s scary. But if it feels scary to us, imagine how scary it is to our child who is experiencing it. When they are in this state, our role is to help them regulate.
I want to quickly remind you that it isn’t our job to STOP the meltdown, that is not our goal (although it most definitely is our desire sometimes) we need to move away from that thinking. Our goal is to help their nervous system regulate which means their brain needs to ‘decide’ when it’s soothed and ready to calm their response. We can’t force it, we need to support it.
Research tells us that human beings learn to regulate their emotions by repeatedly having someone co-regulate with them over and over again. This is not a one-off instance, this is something that needs to be repeated for YEARS.
Their brain is in survival mode, it thinks it’s in danger and has activated the fight, flight or freeze response. Our role is to reassure and show their brain that they are not in danger, through co-regulation.
We pass on our calm. Our calm breathing rhythm, our calm voice, our calm feeling and ambience. We ‘show’ them there is nothing to be afraid of. Not the green cup, not the scary big feeling, not our response. They are safe.
You can model regulation strategies with your child. If meltdowns or tantrums are a regular occurrence, it’s good to practice these in other moments during the day (e.g. in the morning when you wake up or in the afternoons after a snack) so they learn and sub-consciously remember them when they are upset.
Model taking deep breaths. You can sit opposite and put their hands on your shoulders and yours on theirs & breathe together. You can place their hands one on their heart and one on their belly and breathe together.
If your child doesn’t respond to verbal cues and does respond to physical ones, hold them close to you so they can feel your breathing rhythm and slowly begin to match it.
Some children don’t want to be held our touched or will even tell us to ‘go away’ and that’s ok. They need some space but they still need to feel our unconditional love and presence. We can sit near them and use our soothing voice and sometimes they don’t want us to use our voice and that’s ok too. We can show them with our presence that we are listening, that we are here for them, always.
#5 Hold a boundary
Ok, but what if the meltdown or tantrum is because of something you said or stopped or didn’t allow? When your child is faced with a boundary that they don’t like they might have some big feelings about it and that’s ok. They are allowed to express their displeasure and dissatisfaction.
We might feel shaken up by their intense reaction which could make us question whether or not we’re doing the right thing.
I want to boost your confidence and remind you that it’s ok for you to acknowledge and accept your child’s feelings AND hold a boundary at the same time.
They can be upset and mad at you for leaving the playground AND you can still be walking towards the car.
They can be frustrated at their sister AND you will still prevent them from hurting.
They can be upset that screen time is over AND you can still switch it off.
They can really want another biscuit AND you can say ‘no more today.’
It’s ok to have desires and dreams, and sometimes those dreams don’t always happen. We can acknowledge the desire and still hold the boundary.
#6 Take the time to regulate yourself
Dealing with our children’s tantrums and meltdowns can really take a toll on our own emotional wellbeing. It’s emotionally exhausting, holding space for someone, holding it all together so they can fall apart.
I’m not going to pretend that all the above points I talk about are easy. They are not. What you are doing is extremely valuable, the most important work but we also have to acknowledge the effect it can have on us.
While listening to and allowing your children to have all the feels, remember to make space for your own too. Listen to your body, to how you are feeling and don’t ignore it.
There are a few things you can do before your child’s meltdown. Check in with yourself throughout the day. Are you thirsty, hungry, tired? Are you feeling easily-agitated, if so what could the cause of that be? Then address it.
Take a short break, go for a slow walk, put the TV on for 20 mins, do something that will make YOU feel better. Look after yourself so that you can then look after your child when they need you.
If you’re having an off day, do things that are easy. If I’m feeling tired and I know my patience is running thin, that’s not a day I will be getting loads of messy craft activities out. That’s a day I will take them outside, do something active where the noise and mess won’t trigger me as much.
When you do feel like you’ve reached your tolerance limits, use some regulation strategies to bring your own nervous system back to a regulated state. It’s also important to remember that you can do these if you are feeling triggered by your child’s meltdown, cries or screams.
Take the time to regulate yourself first if you need to, before responding to your child.
It’s much better for them to cry and wait for 1-2 minutes and you to respond to them from a regulated place of compassion, than to get an immediate response that is fed by frustration and impatience.
If you need to step away it’s ok, just please make sure your child is safe before you do so. If you do, be honest about it. “I am going to get a drink of water and I will be back in 2 minutes.”
And make sure you always come back, even if you switch out with your partner. You don’t want your child to feel like you couldn’t cope and ‘abandoned’ them in their moment of vulnerability. “I needed so take some deep breaths myself and now I’m here for you.” “I needed to look after myself for a few minutes, now I’m here and I can look after you.”
Take deep breaths
Have a drink of water / splash face with cold water
Walk around
Sit down or lie down
If you’re worried about hurting your child sit on your hands or put your hands above your head.
The reason that these physical regulation strategies help is because the dys-regulation that we feel is physical. We might feel our jaws or fists clenching, our body is tensing, maybe we feel hot, flustered, maybe our heart rate goes up.
All these signals from our body are getting our brain ready to switch into survival mode. So we need to tell OUR brains that we are safe. By calming our breathing, calming our physical responses we are sending signals to our brain that there’s no need to panic, we are safe. This can prevent our own ‘adult meltdown’ from happening.
OK so now we have better idea of what to do during a meltdown let’s quickly look at 3 things to avoid (I promise it’ll be quick)…
3 things to avoid during your child's meltdown
I don’t usually like to focus on the negative side of things. As a parent myself I much prefer and find it a lot more helpful when people tell me what to do rather than giving me a whole long list of things not to do and then no direction afterwards. But I do think some things are important to mention, and it’s especially important to know the reasons why we shouldn’t do certain things.
So here are 3 things not to do during a meltdown:
#1 Don’t try to lecture or reason or get your child to make a decision
Remember, their brain and nervous system are not in a receptive state. Nothing you will say in those moments is going to sink in.
The time to go over the event, retell the story, teach a lesson is AFTER. After everyone is calm, after your child feels connected to you and you are both regulated.
“I know how upset you were because your sister broke your picture, it wasn’t ok to hit her. You were feeling frustrated and that’s ok, but it’s not ok to hurt someone else. What could you do instead when you’re feeling frustrated?”
Help them process what happened, understand how it made them feel and look for solutions. Problem solve together and make a plan for what to do next time without the expectation that they will be able to do it every time. We’re building awareness, we’re teaching but it takes time, and we need to be there on that journey supporting them, reminding them, holding those boundaries and accepting their feelings.
#2 Don’t rush the feelings, stop or try to distract them
It’s really tempting to stop, distract and redirect a crying child. We have been brought up as a society to view tears and crying as something bad, something that needs to be stopped and hidden and we often want to stop it because it’s us or someone else that feels uncomfortable listening to it.
The fact is that crying is the healing, not the hurt. Tears actually contain cortisol which is our stress hormone. Which means crying is our body’s way of releasing and getting rid of all the built up cortisol, the built up stress.
We know from psychological research that repressing feelings in and bottling them up can result in mental health issues in the future. It can lead to anxiety, depression and many other mental health disorders.
It might seem far-fetched, linking a 3 year old having a tantrum to an adult struggling with anxiety but it really isn’t. There is so much more awareness about mental health now and we know that this isn’t something that just happens overnight. Symptoms can manifest themselves years down the line.
We want our children learn to be comfortable with all of their emotions, and express them appropriately and we do this by modelling that we are ok and comfortable with them too.
So hug that crying 3 year old and let them cry for as long as they need to. Then when they are 33 they will know what it feels like to cry, they will know that is passes and they will know to seek comfort and help from people close to them.
#3 Don’t leave them / ignore them
And we’re finishing off this article where we started. With the common advice to ignore your child’s meltdown or tantrum because if we respond it will teach them that they can use it against us as a manipulation tool!
I hope by now, and after reading through this whole post you will agree that it really isn’t the thing to do, we actually need to do the opposite.
Instead of pushing our child away, we need to bring them closer. Instead of ignoring we need to listen and show them that their pain/frustration/anger is heard.
We are showing them that they are not alone in this, we are validating all their emotions as normal and human. We are supporting them on their journey to self-regulation and emotional awareness. We are teaching them how to cope with every and any emotion and fostering their healthy emotional development.
We are raising little humans who will grow up into big humans soon enough, and who will be out in the world living their lives from a place of self-worth, confidence and joy, instead of shame, guilt and hurt.
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
