If you are a parent of a toddler, I’m sure you have asked yourself this question…be honest, how many times?
You’re definitely not alone. Our little one’s meltdowns and tantrums are emotionally exhausting, and responding and dealing with them respectfully and patiently really takes a lot out of us. Just for doing that, know and remember you’re an AWESOME parent!
But I bet you still want to know if there is anything we can do to stop a tantrum in its tracks before it escalates into an erupting volcano!
There are several things. Some that you can do way before any signs of a meltdown, and some that you can use when you notice a storm brewing.
#1 Have consistent boundaries
How is this related to tantrums you ask?
When children have consistent boundaries they know what to expect. Some of the reasons children have meltdowns are when things change unexpectedly, when they aren’t sure what is going on, when something takes them by surprise.
By having consistent boundaries in place we are providing them a predictable and safe framework to work and live within. They will learn that they can always rely on us to hold this boundary and they won’t have this pressing need to always test and resist them.
They know that if you say “you’ve had 3 cookies today you can have another one tomorrow” you will respectfully and gently follow through with this. It won’t be a shock to their system.
Children who do not have consistent boundaries will be more prone to testing them frequently and responding with huge emotions to them as they have not learned that you are confident and consistent about the decisions you make.
Setting boundaries respectfully is a whole ‘nother big topic, you can listen to this podcast episode to learn more about it.
#2 Prepare your child
As I said above, some of the reasons children get upset is when things happen unexpectedly. This is so easy to fix and can have such a huge positive impact.
3 things: give them a reminder or warning, give them time to process it, then give them a choice
I don’t know about your kids, but mine definitely shriek and get upset and extremely resistant when I forget to give them at least one warning and expect them to immediately finish what they’re doing and come with me.
Imagine you were reading a thrilling book, fully immersed in that world. You’re emotionally attached to the characters, in their world, living their lives, feeling their desires and suddenly your partner comes over and says “hey babe, breakfast is ready” and takes the book out of your hands (without bookmarking it!) and places it on the coffee table! Would you cry? Maybe not, but you’d definitely feel thrown off track and maybe a bit upset and let’s be honest, disrespected.
What about if your partner says “hun, breakfast will be ready in 3 mins.” You’ve taken in the info, you’ve got a few minutes to finish your chapter and then when they call “it’s ready” you can say “I’m coming, I’ve got 2 pages left,” you finish your chapter and close your book yourself. How different does that feel?
Number 1: reminder / warning
You can give a time related warning: “We need to leave the playground soon, you’ve got 5 minutes left to finish playing.”
or
a count related warning: “We need to leave the plbayground soon. You can slide down the slide 4 more times and then we have to go.”
Number 2: give them time to process
Children really need more time to process instructions and then respond than what we adults expect of them.
Wait, pause, observe. If you think your child hasn’t heard you, get closer, make a physical connection (your hand on their shoulder) and wait for eye contact, then give the reminder again.
Number 3: give them a choice
First I usually like to offer them 2 choices they can do independently: “Do you want to run to the car or skip?”
“It’s time to go for a bath, do you want to slither to the bath or crawl?”
If they don’t respond, the second set of choices is one being something they can themselves, or if not then I can help them / do it for them (don’t forget the power of playfulness and humour).
“It’s time to go, do you want to come down off the slide yourself or do you want me to fly you down?”
“It’s time to get in the car seat, do you want to climb in yourself or shall I bounce you into it?”
“It’s time to switch the iPad off, do you want to do it or shall I do it?”
#3 Prepare yourself
Being aware of our own emotions can also have a big impact on how we respond to our children when they are having a tantrum.
I know, if I’m feeling tired, depleted, stressed, worried I am less patient, get frustrated more easily, get annoyed or agitated at things that normally wouldn’t bother me.
Our children feed off our mood and our energy and oh boy, don’t we know about it. It’s like they have a special 6th sense for a parent’s tiredness and stress and they just turn it up to 11 (let me know if you get the pun 
)
Checking in with ourselves throughout the day can be very helpful. If you’re noticing yourself getting frustrated, if you are thirsty, feeling tired, hungry whatever it is – act on it.
Do SOMETHING to help yourself feel better so you can be better emotionally prepared in case of a meltdown. Grab a drink, sit down for a bit (haha!), put that darn screen on for a few minutes if you have to just to have those few minutes alone to take a short break, reset yourself and refill your own cup.
So that when your child does have a meltdown, you can respond with the compassionate energy it requires and you can either stop it from escalating or feel equipped to support your child through their big emotions.
#4 Prepare your environment
This is kind of connected to the previous 2 points and I’ll be quick and direct about this one. If you’re feeling a bit under-the-weather, stressed or exhausted…DON’T setup complex craft or messy activities. Do something YOU find easy and not stressful.
If you notice your child not feeling themselves, extra whiny or clingy…same thing. Do something that will provide them with connection: snuggling and reading stories, going for a walk together, something calming and easy that won’t cause them to feel frustrated or distressed.
It’s a lot to think about, I know, but it’s more about your AWARENESS rather than trying to remember all these things point by point. Be aware of how you are feeling and be aware of how your child is feeling.
And this brings us nicely onto the second part of this post which is about noticing a tantrum or meltdown about to happen and helping our child calm down rather than getting more worked up and then exploding.
Before I go into them, I want to give you a very brief overview of the “life cycle of a meltdown.”
Your child is calm. Something happens that triggers a response in them (this can be a particular thing or a “cherry on top” after a busy or overstimulating period of the day). You might notice some physiological changes in their bodies, they will start to breathe faster, their bodies might tense up, they might start raising their voice and/or crying.
THIS is the time to respond, this is when you can help deescalate how they are feeling and prevent a meltdown or tantrum from escalating. We want to catch them before they are too far gone into the survival state, before their downstairs brain takes over and they are in full blown tantrum-mode.
#5 Use the HALT method
When you notice your child getting easily upset and you think a meltdown is on the horizon, do a quick HALT mental check to see if their basic needs are met.
Are they
Hungry?
Angry?
Lonely?
Tired?
Hungry – pretty obvious. Children have little stomachs and can go from feeling fine to ravenous and hangry in a matter of seconds. If you know they haven’t eaten much that day, are due a meal or snack and might be hungry get that tantrum-monster fed asap!
Angry – anger is a strong emotion that is controlled by the amygdala, the survival part of the brain. When little children feel anger it is difficult for them to control this emotion and the impulsive behaviours that come along with it. If we can see our child getting angry about something, help them resolve the situation, guide them through the emotion and help their amygdala feel safe again.
Lonely – I am dedicating a whole separate bullet point to this one below (#8).
Tired – again, easy to recognise and also easy to ascribe as the reason for the tantrum. I dunno about yours, but my kids get super teary when they’re tired. It’s not always possible to immediately solve it (hello bedtime meltdowns) but it gives us a solid reason for why our child is behaving that way.
Also, if I know my children are tired or getting tired, I will do something that doesn’t require a lot of effort (physical and mental) and I will say ‘no’ to events and meetings at times when I know my children will be tired and will find it difficult to cope.
#6 Recognise the signs
Learn to recognise the signs of your child’s dys-regulation and also what can potentially trigger them, and act early before they escalate into a meltdown. This will of course be different for each child. You know your child so I can’t really tell you what to look out for, all I can tell you is to observe and be aware of their responses.
For example one of my twins gets extremely upset when I help him too much as he wants to do things himself while the other one will get upset if I don’t help him enough!
Normally we can resolve this and find a way to reset but if they are feeling extra tired or hungry this can definitely be a cause for a huge explosion of emotions.
7# Try to avoid power struggles
When you notice your child is on the verge of having a tantrum about something ask yourself if this power struggle is really necessary. Is there something that you can do that will take 30 seconds of your time, but then save 30 mins in avoiding a power struggle, tears & screams.
I know that many parents will worry here thinking I’m encouraging you to “give in” to your child’s whims and wants…but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m not saying give them the cookie you’ve told them they can’t have, I’m not saying waive a boundary you have put in place just because they have big feelings about it.
I’m talking about unnecessary struggles that can be easily ended.
Examples:
I open the door and my toddler gets upset and wants to open it. If we continue walking through the door I am potentially facing him throwing himself on the ground, crying or screaming, me having to then either pick him up and carry or try to console him there, etc etc.
While, it would take 15 seconds to say “oops, sorry I didn’t know you wanted to open it” close it and let him open it again. Power struggle avoided (real life story).
or
Toddler gets out of bed for a pee and I’m already feeling frustrated ‘cause he should’ve been asleep 40 mins ago. He wants me to come and help him flush the toilet. I can respond from frustration “I’m not helping you, you should be in bed asleep, just do it and come back to your bedroom” leaving him standing by the toilet calling out and crying…instead I can go help him flush it and be back in the bedroom in 20 seconds (also real life story).
Do you get me? Think of your end goal, is there something you can do really quick that will get everyone moving along rather than melting down.
#8 Choose connection
Technically this is the L part of the HALT, but I think it’s so important it deserves its own bullet point.
When you notice your child feeling dysregulated, extra emotional, next level whiny, easily upset…sometimes a bit of quality connection can really go a long way. Put your agenda on pause, take a break together, do something they love and you love and connect. Sometimes, it’s all they need.
Also look out for various ways your child might be telling you they need connection. They won’t say “hey listen, I’m having a bit of a crappy day, not really feeling myself today, can we please go easy today?”
They will say “play with me” or “muuuuuum, maaamaaaa, mummmmmyyyyyyyyyy, mmmmmmaaaaaaa” (for infinity) and will whine and be clingy etc.
You can never go wrong with connection 
I need to be honest with you, we’re not going to be able to prevent a meltdown or tantrum every time. As we know they are developmentally normal and sometimes our children really need that release. But when we can remember some of the above strategies, we can minimise the frequency, intensity or duration of our toddlers meltdowns and in my books, that’s a respectful parenting win for sure!
Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash
