How do we respectfully set limits or boundaries with our children? It’s not an easy thing to do, we are often met with resistance, refusal and strong emotions.
Setting boundaries sometimes goes hand in hand with tantrums. Either we have set a limit and our child is having a tantrum about it, or we have to hold a limit despite our child’s meltdown happening. It can be very hard to hold a boundary when our little ones are falling apart because of said boundary.
However, often when we DO have consistent limits it can actually prevent tantrums from happening in the first place!
#1 WHY do we need boundaries and limits?
With consistent boundaries children feel safe & secure. They have a predictable framework within which to operate. This is how they learn about the world around them and what is and isn’t appropriate. Montessori calls this “freedom within limits” which means exactly what it sounds like. The children are ‘free’ to make their own choices and decisions but within a framework created and supported by the adult.
Freedom within limits can be as broad or as narrow as you want it to be. It’s up to you, the parent, to decide what these limits are. An important thing to remember is that, this will look DIFFERENT for everyone. Your friends might be comfortable with their children climbing on the table and that’s great, but it doesn’t mean you need to do the same. Your limits will be different from others and that’s perfectly ok. You decide what is important for you and your family and that is personal and unique.
Our children’s job is to explore the world and our job is to allow for that exploration and make sure it is safe.
When and why you set a limit will depend on many things. Here are a few examples of why you might need a boundary in place:
- For Safety
- Teaching how to be respectful & caring towards others & their environment
- Personal boundaries (this includes yours)
- Respecting social & cultural norms
- House rules / family values
- Health reasons (around food & screen time)
- We want them to grow into responsible & respectful human beings
- Teaches them a basic life lesson that we can’t always have everything we want
#2 If boundaries help children feel safe & secure why the hell do they keep resisting & testing them?
Unfortunately (for us) testing boundaries is a very natural part of our children’s development. And when something is developmentally normal the best way I’ve found to deal with it is shifting our mindset and stop trying to fight it but instead understand it.
Toddlerhood is an incredibly important and developmentally loaded stage of our children’s life. They are discovering who they are as a person, they are learning about their ability to make decisions and choices, they are exploring being separate from and independent of us (after the baby phase when they are so heavily reliant on us).
Knowing this, understanding that it’s developmental and not personal might help you feel reassured. There’s nothing wrong with you or your kid when they keep testing boundaries.
This is how they are learning to be a separate person from you, have a separate opinion, explore their autonomy and independence.
Human beings are wired to become independent and this process starts very early on! They cannot explore this independence and autonomy if they are blindly obeying everything we say. They are designed to say NO to us (as frustrating as this can sometimes be).
This is also the beginnings of our children learning how to set boundaries with others, for when they are older and need to feel confident in saying “NO” to someone who is trying to overstep.
The testing is important and it WILL happen so find a way to make your peace with it. This does not mean you need to waive the limit anytime your child tests it, but rather confidently hold it without getting into a power struggle with your 2 or 3 (or 7) year old.
#3 How to effectively set and follow through with boundaries in a respectful way.
Follow the 4Cs: Calm, Clear, Confident, Consistent
CALM – set the boundary early, before you start feeling agitated or frustrated. If you see a behaviour and you know if it escalates it will bother you, set a limit early on before it gets to that stage. Setting the limit while you’re calm will help you stay calm further down when this boundary is being tested.
CLEAR – use direct, clear language to express your exact expectations. Remember ‘less is more.’ Avoid long winded explanations and reasoning, the message can get lost in a whole barrage of words. Clear and precise language leaves no room for misinterpretation or negotiation. If you feel like you’re constantly justifying your limits ask yourself if it’s necessary in the first place.
Don’t be afraid to take ownership of this boundary: “I won’t let you draw on the sofa / throw this cup / snatch the toy.” The message you want your child to receive is “I am setting this limit and I will follow through.” I tend to avoid phrases like “we don’t hit people” or “you can’t climb on tables” because the likelihood is the child has already DONE it when we’re saying it.
CONFIDENT – If you can set the boundary calmly and clearly it helps you to confidently follow through when you need to. Remember, especially with younger children, you will need to be physically present to stop any unwanted behaviours and support them in following through with the limit. You can’t expect them to listen to your words and immediately do it.
This could look like blocking any hits they are swinging at you or a sibling, gently putting your hand on an object they are about to throw to prevent them from doing it. You can be confident and gentle.
CONSISTENT – The more consistent we can be with our boundaries the less our children may feel the need to constantly test them. They KNOW what to expect from you and they know when they test the limit you will be there to support them through it. it gives them a sense of security knowing that you are looking out for them, for their safety, for their development.
They’re designed to challenge us, but at the same time crave our guidance.
A note on consistency, we might sometimes feel like we’re bound to a limit we have set even if we realise that maybe it wasn’t necessary or maybe too harsh. Being consistent is very different from being stubborn, it’s ok to change your mind! Don’t worry, your child will not be confused or it will not undermine you (you are an absolute hero and legend in their eyes no matter what you do!)
Our children are incredibly perceptive, very clever and also really understanding. If you change your mind about something just be honest about it. Tell them exactly that. You are modelling flexibility, honesty, adaptability, maybe you listened to their argument and they convinced you to change your mind, wow what an amazing lesson in itself that is! We’re all human so embrace it with honesty and authenticity.
#4 When they're not happy about it
Ok so you’ve set your boundary calmly, you’ve confidently followed through, you’ve been super clear on what your expectation is and then your little one has a complete meltdown or tantrum over the boundary you have set. Like I said in the very first paragraph of this post: tantrums and boundaries often go hand in hand.
Most of the time our children will not be pleased with a boundary we set. We are either stopping them from doing something they want to or asking them to do something they don’t want to and guess what… Yep, there are gonna be so BIG feelings about this.
And that’s the whole beauty about following the 4Cs. Because if you’ve set the boundary while you’re still calm, you’re able to confidently follow through and then also confidently and calmly support their feelings about it.
You know that this boundary is important to you & your family / personal values, you know it’s necessary so you’re able to hold it while your child is melting down about it.
They are allowed to feel disappointed, unhappy, even angry about the boundary AND you’re allowed to keep the boundary in place.
Accept and acknowledge their feelings and confidently and calmly hold the limit.
“I know how mad you are, you really wanted to stay at the park longer” AND “it’s time to go home now.”
“I can see how disappointed you are, you wanted to play with that truck so much” AND “I won’t let you snatch it from your siblings hand.”
#5 Boundaries through the environment and routines.
Setting boundaries doesn’t always have to be a verbal thing. We can absolutely set boundaries through the environment we prepare and through the routines we build into our days.
If you’re finding yourself repeating the same boundary over and over every day that is a key sign that it’s time to evaluate what’s going on and make a change.
For example, if your child it constantly reaching for your great-aunts beautiful ornamental vase and you realise you’re telling them “no” every day…maybe it’s appropriate to move the vase higher up or to a different room.
They’re not toddlers forever and it doesn’t mean you need to hide everything in sight. Make some temporary adjustments to give yourself a break from constantly having to monitor what your baby or toddler is or isn’t allowed to touch.
If you’re having the same argument over putting shoes on every single morning, it’s time to re-evaluate your morning routine. Maybe you give them more time to put their shoes on, maybe you do it together and connect, maybe you do it 10 minutes before you get ready to go out, you will find something that will help you both succeed.
Having consistent boundaries provides a stable and secure foundation, allowing our children to confidently engage in exploration. It reduces the need for constant testing and contributes to a more harmonious family atmosphere, fostering an environment where our children can thrive.
