11 – I’m not ready to share

Welcome to Trusting Children Podcast episode 11. I’m Aisha, your host, I’m a parent to three young children and before being a mum I used to be a nursery teacher.

I love everything to do with Early Childhood Development, I could talk about children all day long.

I started this show to guide parents through the uncertainties and confusions of parenthood.

Thank you for tuning in and for sharing your time with me today.

When we are in a playground and our child is holding onto a toy for dear life with clearly no intention of giving it up while another child is hovering and wants to play with that toy we start to feel a bit uncomfortable. If you have ever felt this pressure to make your child “share” but not been entirely sure how to deal with a situation like this, then this episode is for you.

We all want our children to be polite, generous and kind. We want to teach them how to share their possessions with others and we want them to act genuinely. When our child doesn’t want to give up an object we worry that they might be seen as being mean, greedy, nasty or selfish. In this episode I am going to explore what it really means to share, why there is so much pressure on sharing and how to deal with arguments over toys in social situations.

Hello everyone, welcome again. I hope you have had a good week. I realised today that we’ve got not that long to go to the longest day of the year, and then they’re gonna start getting shorter again! II’m wondering if your children have gone completely crazy during these long days. Our bedtimes have literally extended by 1hr if not more. We used to take them upstairs at 7 and they would all be asleep by 8. The last few weeks they are literally running around the room for 1hr after we switch the lights off, it takes them SUCH a long time to wind down, they are buzzing. Even when they finally lie down they are fidgeting, squirming, wriggling. It’s like watching their batteries run out really really slowly. They don’t fall asleep until 9 or even past 9 sometimes and evenings have become pretty exhausting. So we’ve started going for an evening walk after dinner in the hopes that it will get rid of some energy before bed.

Anyway, let’s talk about sharing. Sharing is caring. We hear this phrase being thrown around at playdates, playgrounds, preshcools etc. There is so much pressure around this topic on the children themselves, but also on us parents.

I’m going to look at what sharing actually is and why it’s so hard for young children to do it, the developmental reasons for that. Then I’ll talk about why we as parents or adults care so much about sharing and what it looks like in our adult world. Then I’ll talk about the effects of adults forcing children to share and what we should do instead. And finally how we can deal with these instances in social situations, for example at a playground. Let’s dive right in.

Why do young children have such trouble sharing? Let’s first think about what we really mean when we tell our children to share. What is sharing? Sharing is consciously giving something of yours to another person. We do this when we care for the other person, when we can empathise with how they are feeling, when we like them. The Oxford dictionary definition presents 3 different circumstances when we could share. Giving a portion of your thing to someone, so splitting something between you for example I could share my pizza with you, we each have half. Giving out something that you have plenty of, for example sharing a box of chocolates around the office with people, or sharing your packet of crisps with people at your table. Or, and this is the big one, I’m going to quote: “use, occupy, or enjoy (something) jointly with another or others.” For example, sharing a flat together, enjoying the TV together with another person. None of these definitions include: giving up something that I am using at the moment in its entirety to another person. So when we tell our children to “share” what we actually mean is take turns. If one child is doing a puzzle and welcomes another child to join them, they are working on it together, they are sharing. But if a child is playing with a car and another child wants to play with it too, what happens is they will take turns in playing with or using the car.

Young children have a completely different view of possession than we do. We can observe babies, often passing objects back and forth to each other or to an adult. They are experimenting and interacting and are more interested in that than in the possession of a certain thing. If you take something from a baby’s hand, they will most likely just find something else to grab or pick up. As they get older and into toddler years however, they are trying to figure out their place in the world and within social constructs. They are exploring their sense of self. When they are holding something, when they physically posses something that it all that matters in the moment. I am holding it, therefore it is MINE. They can own something for that brief moment. My kids literally argue over me and Mark. My mummy, no MY MUMMY. And it’s no use me trying to explain that I’m everyone’s mum because you all grew in my belly. They carry on their argument and actually get really upset about it. Through this obsession with possession they are working out how what it means, gaining an understanding that sometimes things are theirs and sometimes they are not. But it all takes time.

They are developmentally not ready to give away something that they are holding. Giving something up requires a high level of empathy and being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, or see their viewpoint. This is a skill that children develop over time and young children are don’t have that developmental capacity. They are learning it, but they are exactly…learning it. We start seeing it appear between the ages of 4-7, but yet we have these expectations of 1-2 year olds. It takes time.

There are so many skills that go into sharing something with another person. Being able to control your impulses, being able to wait. Empathy, understanding someone else’s point of view, which I already mentioned, understanding the concept of time (knowing that they will get it in 5 or 10 minutes), emotional regulation when you don’t get what you want right that moment, and putting someone else’s needs before our own. These are all such huge skills, that young children are all still developing and learning. They are also skills that cannot be rushed.

So why do we as parents care so much about our children sharing or not sharing? Why is there so much pressure on this? We worry. We feel like our child is being selfish, we don’t want them to be perceived as mean, unfriendly etc. We want them to be liked, of course. We all want to be liked and we want our children to be liked and we worry if they don’t share others won’t like them. And these are all valid worries, but honestly… children care about all this a LOT less than we do, if at all. In the moment, there might be tears maybe screams but as soon as the storm blows away, they are playing again and have forgotten all about it. Children don’t hold grudges. They live in the moment and it’s so beautiful because they CAN have conflicts, they can learn to resolve them and they move on.

Another thing we worry about is judgement from others. We fear that when our child doesn’t want to give up a toy, it is a reflection of us as parents. We worry these people might think that maybe we aren’t teaching our child good manners, that maybe we are teaching them to be selfish. So we step in and we tell our child to “share” so everyone sees that we are not rude, that our child is not rude.

What is the best way to teach generosity to teach our children to share, DO it! Model it. Whatever we do to them, that’s what they will start doing to others and to the world. Well that’s just the easiest thing right, we could fix all our world problems just by really taking this statement to heart. But, all joking aside it really is true. Whatever you want your child to become, you need to show them how. If your child grows up in an environment where things are shared with them, where turns are taken and everyone is calm about waiting for their turn, where everyone is generous to each other, they will absorb that and they will learn to do it. In turn, no-one ever learns anything by being forced to do it. It’s counterproductive.

What does sharing look like in the adult world.

If my friend and I are at a bar and there’s only one bar stool we might take turns in sitting on it. Maybe one of us would say “it’s ok you can have it I can stand” giving it up completely. That is a very advanced level of empathy. To understand the needs and feelings of the other person and to give up something of your own in order to benefit the other person. Heck, loads of adults cannot even do this and yet we expect children to do this on a daily basis.

Also, think about all the things you possess…out of all of these things, how many of them do you actually share with another person outside of your family? We might share food with our friends. We might share a book, maybe some clothes, maybe your car or bike. There are lots of things you could share with your friends, but overall it’s a very small percentage of the things you have, that are actually yours. If my friend uses something that is mine, for example needs to use my car for the weekend I also probably wouldn’t say I’ve SHARED my car with her. I would say I have lent it to her. We could say that technically it is turn taking. I am not using it now, she can have a turn. However if I was using it, if I needed it I would say to her “I can’t let you have it this weekend I’m sorry, how about next weekend?” In contrast children have / own very few things so when they are forced to share, it’s a huge percentage of their ‘stuff’ that they are being asked to give away. There is a huge disparity between how adults actually interact around sharing out objects and what we expect our children to do when we ask them to share. Imagine you are in a cafe and you are reading one of the newspapers or magazines, the ones that come on a rod, haha do they even have these anymore? You’re in the middle of a really interesting article, suddenly the person on the next table turns around, takes the newspaper out of your hand and starts reading it. You turn to your partner, the person you trust, the one you know is on your side and they say “it’s ok, you’re sharing, it’s nice to share.” Has that ever happened to you? Imagine how you would feel. First of, something that you were in the middle of using has been taken right from you. And then your person, your support does nothing about it to help you. You feel small? You feel like you don’t matter, you feel like your work doesn’t matter, what you were doing doesn’t matter. So you decide to stand up for yourself and ask the other person for the computer back and they say “you’ve had it a long time, it’s my turn now” you look around the cafe and everyone seems to agree and say with their glances “yes you were using it for about 10 minutes, that’s long enough and now someone else can use it.” This would never happened in the real world. Who are these people to decide whether or not you have finished using the newspaper? But this is what we make our children do all the time.

Why do children have such a hard time sharing.

So let’s take a look at a typical ‘sharing’ scenario from the point of view of the child. They are playing with something, they are using it, they are engaged and they are focused. Maybe they are reading a book, playing with a doll, building a tower out of blocks, using a spade in a sandpit. Then another child comes up and wants the exact object. And this is totally normal behaviour. Children always want what someone else is using. It’s more interesting, if someone else has it, it must mean that it’s great. They are also learning social interactions so even subconsciously, they are trying to initiate some kind of interaction with the other child. So yes, the child wants the exact toy that your child is playing with. You then tell your child to finish playing and “share.” What your child experiences over and over again is the word “share” being said to them, and then whatever it is that they were using gets taken away. Essentially, to young children this word “share” means give away something you were using. Now I want to stop and really think about the messages that we are sending to both children, when this happens frequently. First of, what is the child who has had the object taken away from them feeling: My needs are not valued as much as the wants of someone else. I should give up something I am enjoying and using just to please someone else because they are louder, more forceful, make a bigger fuss…sound familiar? My concentration has been broken, my flow has been interrupted. What I am doing, what I am working on is not important.

What about the other child: I can stomp and scream and cry and I will always get the thing I want. The more I cry and the more fuss I make, the quicker an adult will help me get it.

Neither of these are really, messages we want to be giving to our children. Neither of these is what we want to be teaching our children. In addition, the child who is constantly told to share, will start feeling nervous about it, maybe even fearful or worried. As soon as they find something to play with and start enjoying it, someone (usually the parent) might come along and tell them to “share” it, and remember we say “share” but the child experiences: “giving my toy away.” Is someone going to come and set a limit on my fun, “2 more minutes and then share.” Instead of concentrating and focusing on what they want to do, they go into defence and protection mode and think about how can I keep this toy for longer. They might start hiding, maybe pocketing things, some children will eventually start resenting sharing, because of this. They will find a toy and will become even more possessive than normal about it, then in turn the adult is more forceful and demeaning that they share, and it becomes a bit of a vicious circle.

So what should we do instead? First off, I will say that if you can, the best thing to do is nothing. Let the children resolve their conflict. This is a skill they need to learn how to do and if adults are always stepping in then 1) they don’t develop these social skills and 2) they will start to heavily rely on adult input whenever anything happens. So if you can, let them resolve. If you see a potential argument you can move closer so you are in range to block any hits or pushes if they happen. If the situation starts to escalate you can support both children through this while still making sure everyone is safe and no-one gets hurt.

Let’s just think back up for a moment, what do we actually want both these children to learn from this? And don’t say “to share” we’ve established that this isn’t sharing. We want them to take turns. So what happens when 2 people are taking a turn. One person uses it until they are done, the other person has to wait. And then maybe they swap.

So, to the child who wants the object, we can model asking and more importantly we validate their feelings and we model and we support them in waiting. “You really want to use that car. It’s not available right now, Mila is using it at the moment. Uh, I know it’s so hard to wait when we want something so badly. I can see you are upset, I won’t let you take it from her.” We hold a boundary and make sure that children don’t hurt each other. If the child who is waiting is upset, you will stay with them, support them and acknowledge their feelings. “I know it’s so hard to wait. Let’s ask Mila to pass it to you when she is done.” I would generally say it’s best not to interrupt the child who is working or concentrating, however if the other child is vocal and upset its most likely that their focus has already been interrupted. “Mila, when you have finished playing with this car, Seldon would like a turn. Can you let him know when you are done?” (I’m using my dogs’ names in this example haha!). We can teach our children to ask “Can I have a turn after you?” Or “Can I have a turn when you are finished?” We are implying and setting a boundary for the child who is playing. It’s up to THEM to decide when they are finished, not up to us, not up to anyone else. Again, remember the newspaper in the cafe. Asking for a turn does not mean you automatically get the toy. Asking for a turn means the child will pass the toy to you when s/he is done with it. And acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge.

Waiting is hard for young children. Children are impulsive they live in the moment, so “in 5 minutes” is too abstract sometimes, it might as well be 50 mins if it’s not right now! Often in a situation like this, the child who is waiting is the one who will most probably need more support. We offer something else “would you like to build a road together while we wait for the car to be available?” They might take you up on that, they might not. But we stay with them. When the other child is done, they might bring the car over or just leave it somewhere. “Oh, look. The car is available now, you can play with it if you like. Thank you for waiting.”

Model asking, support them through waiting and acknowledge their feelings about it.

What about the the child who is currently using the toy? What message do we want them to get from this experience? We want to empower them to stand up for themselves. Now this doesn’t mean we are encouraging them to be rude, we are simply allowing them the time they need to finish using the toy they are playing with…remember the newspaper in the cafe. We are telling them, what you are doing is important, once you are done there are others waiting to use it. If the person in the cafe turned around and said “excuse me, could I have this newspaper when you’re done” you will pass it to them once you have finished. We want our children to learn how to do this. But we cannot encourage them to take turns if we don’t value their turn in the first place. If their turn is always being cut short by someone, they will start cutting other children’s turns short. Can you see the connection there? So we protect their focus, we protect their concentration, their work. This give them that feeling of calm and security. I know I can use this toy for as long as I want and there is no danger of someone taking it from me. Then when I am done I can happily pass it onto someone else. That is when genuine turn taking will take place, when it’s not forced upon. Even as adults, if anyone ever forces anything on you, you get defensive, you resist and push back. Same with children. If we force them to do these things, they will resist and push back. And when the child does bring the object, thank them. Show them that you are noticing this and appreciating it “Thank you so much for bringing the car to Seldon, when you finished with it.”

During an altercation, some children might also need that reinforcement. Empowering them is also important “Seldon wants to take the car from you, you can say no.” And giving them the language to resolve this. If a child is asking to have a turn you can say “I will pass it to you when I’m finished.” Or “Yes, you can have it when I’m done.” This is language we would use as adults. “Of course, you can have the newspaper once I’ve finished reading this article.” We can teach our children to say this. In Montessori schools they call them “long turns”, we can encourage our children to learn about this. This is to avoid this expectation that ‘my turn’ has to happen right now. My turn will happen, but now someone else is having a long turn and after that I can have a long turn. Again, that feeling of safety the child gets knowing they can explore and play for as long as they wish without the fear of having the toy taken away in 2 mins.

Ok, so what about when a child has already taken a toy out of someone else’s hands. Again, we need to be clear about what we want our children to learn. We want them to know it’s not ok to just take something out of someone’s hand just because you want it. Our demeanour is very important here. We should really try to stay calm and neutral in order for children not to feel victimised or villainified (is that even a word?). No victims and no villains. Janet Lansbury says this and I really love it so much: “There are no villains or victims in Toddlerland, just children learning by experimenting with social behaviours.” We can calmly get down to the children’s level. “I can see Mila was playing with the car and now Seldon is holding it.” So we narrate what we see. We can then turn to Seldon and say to him “Mila was having a turn, you can have a turn when she is finished. Would you like to give the car back to her now or would you like me to help you give it back?” And gently guide them towards the other child. And then we support that child while they wait. We are then showing the child who was using the toy that we value what they were doing, and we are modelling to the child who wanted the toy, that it’s not ok to take things from another person’s hands, we need to give it back and we need to wait. And we stay with them, it’s hard, but I am here with you.

We need to also be so mindful of our own behaviour. Lets say Seldon snatches the car from Mila and I go over and snatch it out of his hands and give it back to Mila…again, this is what I am modelling. Think about the behaviour that you are modelling. No judgement here, have you ever snatched something out of a child’s hand? I know I have, usually if they pick my phone or some piece of electronic equipment up our instinct is to just swipe if out of their hands. Can you see the irony? Think about how many times children get things just taken out of their hands in one day… I’ll leave you to answer that for yourself.

If we want our children to stop snatching things from others, WE need to stop snatching things from our children. I know, it’s easy to do. We are quicker, stronger, but ultimately what they learn is that its OK to do it. People snatch things from me all the time, so I’m going to do it to others. Remember they are learning about ALL interactions with humans from us. We need to BE how we want them to behave.

So, even when a child has snatched something, try to avoid snatching it back yourself. Ask them to hand it back, gently physically guide them to handing it back. Don’t force the other child to give it up, because you think they have had a long enough turn.

OK, so how do we deal with this in social situations for example at a playground. This is probably the haaaaaardest part. Because like we said before. We don’t want our child to be seen as someone who’s not sharing, we are afraid of judgment from other parents, we feel like we need to perform so others can see that “we are parenting” “we are definitely teaching our child good manners and sharing, I don’t know why s/he isn’t doing it.” It’s so hard, we don’t want to be stepping on anyone’s toes, we don’t know what the other parent is like if they are calm or might start an argument with us. These are worries that go through my head anyway when I’m at a playground. And I can tell you this, it’s been 4.5 years and I still completely hide in my shell like a tortoise if I have to interact with another parent on the playground. I am still learning, we are all still learning. But if you are a bit more confident in speaking to others, you can ask the other parent “are you happy for them to solve this conflict or would you like us to help them?” Be open about it. They might agree and of course as long as no-one is getting hurt, children very often find a solution.

Let’s say your child wants something or has taken something from another in the playground. You go up, you validate your child’s feelings, you acknowledge it’s difficult to wait and you encourage them to return the object. You can then ask the other child, “will you let us know when you have finished please? Then we can have a turn once you’re done.” Remember not to snatch it out of their hand. Then, if you are worried what other parents think of you, you can be seen that you are doing something.

If your child is playing with something and you can see another child gearing up to get it, get close. Stand up for your child. “This is Seldon, he is using the car right now. Once he has finished we will let you know and bring it to you.” We can also say to our child “this child is waiting, please make sure you give it to them when you are done.” Now I know this is much harder because we worry that other parents might think we are selfish and our child is selfish. And honestly, I’m 37 years old and I still struggle to stand up for myself in situations of conflict. I am learning to stand up for myself and I am learning to stand up for my children. It’s not easy. And it’s ok if you end up giving in 2,3,4 even 10 times. But that one time that you DO stand up for your child, will really be so powerful. Believe me. And at the end of the day, what matters more? Your child knowing you will be there for them, or what some person that you will never see again thinks of you?

And to be honest, I have to say this is such a paradox of being a parent: We worry SO much about being judged, about what other parents will think of us. But at the end of the day they are worried about us judging them! If instead of worrying we connected with the other parent, and spoke to them I bet that they would be really lovely and would probably relate to what you are thinking. I have had parents countless times apologise for their children’s really normal behaviour. I always say, you don’t need to apologise it’s normal. They are working it out, it’s ok to let them work out. Imagine if all parents in all the playgrounds, if we all released ourselves from this pressure of making our children share! If we knew no-one would judge US or our child when they are holding onto a toy…wow! How amazing that would be. I suspect we all worry about the same things anyway! It’s so weird, why do we do that? Anyway, this could be another episode haha.

What about if your child is blocking the top of the slide, or using something that clearly lots of children are waiting to use. We model. This is a social situation, where we need to cut our turn short, because we are using communal items. You can say to your child “there are children waiting to go down the slide, let’s count to 3 and slide down” or “look, 2 children are waiting to use the swing, let’s swing 5 more times and they can have a turn.” Don’t cut their turn too short, let them have a decent go, but then model finishing this activity so others can also take a turn.

What do you think about sharing now? Has your perception and idea of it changed a bit? It’s difficult to change habits like this, especially when we are under so much pressure and we worry what others think. But I would encourage you to try. Next time your child is struggling to share, support them. If they want something that someone else is using, validate their need and support them while they wait. If your child is using something, stand up for them. Show them that you value what they are doing. Let them decide when they are done. You might have to gear yourself up to do this, and that’s ok. If you don’t do it the first or second or third time that’s ok. But be mindful of this. And next time if the word “share” slips out you can correct yourself “When you are finished, let me know and we can pass it to the other child.”

Let’s change the narrative from sharing to turn taking. What has your experience of turn taking been? Let me know, I always want to hear what you’ve tried and how it’s gone. You can contact me by email aisha@tc or you can find me on Facebook and Instagram @trustingchildren. I always love hearing from parents, so please let me know what you think and if you’ve tried encouraging turn taking instead of forcing your child to share.

That’s all from me today. Thank you so much everyone for tuning in tonight. We’re all in this together and we have got this.