Setting boundaries is an incredibly hard thing, it can often cause parents quite a bit of stress. Is this limit appropriate? Am I too harsh? Am I too lenient? Should I give in? They seem so upset, is it worth it? These are just some of the questions that come to mind. If you struggle with knowing how to respectfully set and hold a boundary then this episode is for you. We want our children to listen to what we are saying, at the same time we worry they won’t like us if we’re too strict. Sometimes we feel like we’re ‘giving in’ to our child’s whims and other times we end up in a power struggle that we’re entirely not sure why we’re even in.
We want our children to be safe, learn how to care for themselves and their environment. We want them to be free to make choices and decisions but we also need them to do as we ask at times. In this episode I am going to talk about why we should set limits with our children, how to do this in a respectful way, why children test them and how we can respond to this testing. By the end of the episode you will have a much clearer idea on why, when and how to set boundaries and feel more confident in doing so.
Welcome to Trusting Children episode 9
I’m Aisha your host. I worked with children for over 11 years before having my own 3 who are now 4 and 2 x 2. Early child development is my passion and I want to share as much information to parents and caregivers. I started this podcast in order to help parents learn about respectful parenting in an easy and manageable way. Thanks for sharing your time with me today.
Setting boundaries is an incredibly hard thing, it can often cause parents quite a bit of stress. Is this limit appropriate? Am I too harsh? Am I too lenient? Should I give in? They seem so upset, is it worth it? These are just some of the questions that come to mind. If you struggle with knowing how to respectfully set and hold a boundary then this episode is for you. We want our children to listen to what we are saying, at the same time we worry they won’t like us if we’re too strict. Sometimes we feel like we’re ‘giving in’ to our child’s whims and other times we end up in a power struggle that we’re entirely not sure why we’re even in.
We want our children to be safe, learn how to care for themselves and their environment. We want them to be free to make choices and decisions but we also need them to do as we ask at times. In this episode I am going to talk about why we should set limits with our children, how to do this in a respectful way, why children test them and how we can respond to this testing. By the end of the episode you will have a much clearer idea on why, when and how to set boundaries and feel more confident in doing so.
Welcome everyone I hope you have all had a great week. I had one of the most ridiculous days of my life last week, if you follow me on instagram you might have heard about it but I’ll share it here again. I took the kids to a shopping centre, which was incredibly busy on the 3rd day after everything opened. Because it was busy and the twins were getting restless int he pushchair I wanted to leave asap and didn’t manage to get anything to eat or any coffee. I thought I’d to go to a drive through, I tried 3 different ones and they were either closed or had a massive line of cars. So I got the kids a pizza, and as I was passing them their slices, the wind blew the entire open box cheese side onto the ground! They ate everything and I was left with a few crusts (still no coffee). I really wanted to get them to a park for some fresh air. We got there, and immediately M needed a poo. While we were waiting for her one of the twins locked himself in a cubicle! Luckily I was able to open it from the outside. Our walk started off nice and peaceful but a few moments later, I had one twin fall waist-deep into a stream and then about 10 minutes later they were climbing a tree and both of them fell out of it! It really was one of those days, where if something could have got wrong…it did! We all got home safely and I had a massive glass of wine and ordered a take-away curry. Have you ever had one of those days?
Let’s talk about boundaries, or limits. I am going to use these two words interchangeably but if I do I mean the same thing. This is such a huge topic and I’m just warning you that this episode is long. I thought about splitting it into two, but I feel like all the information is so important and connects together, so here we are. I haven’t included an Everyday Hero interview today because the content of the episode is so much. There is a misconception that respectful parents don’t have any boundaries, that their children just do whatever they want. However, this is actually so far from the truth. It’s almost the opposite. Respectful / positive / mindful parents DO have boundaries but the difference is, these boundaries come from a place of understanding and respect rather than outright authority. This comes down to the relationship we have with our child: we lead, guide and model from a position of mutual respect instead of demanding, threatening and punishing using fear.
So why are boundaries important and why should we bother? We need to go back to our child, our baby. They are born with no experience of social norms, no knowledge of what is acceptable and what isn’t in this world. They have some instincts which guide their development but they learn a LOT from us, their trusted caregivers. Their job is to explore everything, our job is to support that exploration by keeping them safe, the people around them safe (and that includes us) and the environment around them safe. Safety is one of the most important reasons we would set a limit on our child’s action. Other reasons are, we want to teach them to be respectful and caring towards their environment, others, themselves and us. This includes not hurting anyone and not destroying objects. We want them to grow into responsible, respectful human beings. These are the main reasons we as adults would want to set limits for our children.
Why do our children need them? Children thrive on predictability. When they have clear and consistent boundaries they have a framework to work within. They know what to expect and this provides them with a feeling of safety and security: my adults are caring for me. Like I said before, their job is to explore the world and our job is to make sure that exploration is safe. When children have clear boundaries they know that we are doing our job, they trust that we are keeping them safe. They can feel calmer about their surroundings, they can feel more confident about exploring them. I really love this analogy by Early Years Educator Janet Gonzalez-Mena, which I read about in Janet Lansbury’s book. I’m going to refer back to this analogy throughout the episode so remember it. Imagine standing at the edge of a bridge. If it is dark and you cannot see the railings, the boundaries, you will feel uncertain, you might be a little worried or scared and you will most definitely tread carefully and walk slowly. If it is light and we can clearly see the railings, the boundaries, we will feel more comfortable, we will walk across the bridge more confidently, maybe a bit faster and we will feel safe.
This brings us onto the next element: if boundaries make our children feel safe and secure then why the heck do they keep testing them? Why won’t they just accept them? That’s a million dollar question isn’t it. The reason for this is developmental. Young children are gaining a sense of self, which is huuuge. They realise that they are a separate person from their caregiver, this can be both extremely exciting and also quite scary. They begin to explore their will, their decisions, and how much power and control they have over their own life and actions. They are able to do the opposite to what you have asked. You say come here and they CAN run away! You say get dressed and they CAN take their clothes off. You say go to sleep and they CAN jump on the bed. This new found autonomy and independence, as frustrating as it can sometimes be to us when we’re just trying to get on with our day, to them it’s their new life. It’s them figuring out who they are, what person they are becoming. When we see it through that lens it’s actually pretty incredible. They can’t explore this will, this power, this independence without testing boundaries. If they always did everything you said, how could they assert their autonomy from you? They NEED to do it in order to realise that they are a separate person, in order to learn that they can make decisions for themselves, to grow that sense of self.
The thing is, we need to release ourselves from this feeling of control. We will never be able to control another person, no matter how young or old they are. We won’t be able to stop our children from testing limits, what we CAN do is control our responses and the ways in which these boundaries are set in order to make the testing less intense. Let’s go back to the bridge analogy. Before committing to cross the bridge, you might give the railings a little shake, test them. You might step one foot on the first few planks to see if they’re stable, test them. As you walk across the bridge, every now and then you might test the railings again, just to make sure they are keeping you safe. If any any point you feel like the railings are a bit rickety, you will start testing them more often, Is it still rickety? is it still rickety? All the while this feeling of uncertainty building up inside you. Inconsistently safe railings will lead to you testing them more and more often. However, if you test them a few times and they are stable here, stable here…you will start testing them less often, Because you will start trusting that is they are stable here and here, they must be stable in other places too. And this is why it’s so important for limits to be consistent. Children won’t stop testing them, but there is definitely a link between the two. The more consistent your limits are, the less intense your child’s testing will be. Because they trust that you are keeping them safe, they don’t need to check all the time. They know that when they do test, the limit will be there and it will be consistent, they can relax, they are safe; my adult is looking after me. I really love what Janet Lansbury says: “Power struggles are a necessary part of the development of self for the child; however, the outcome must be that the child knows that the adult is in charge […] Children raised without firm, consistent boundaries are insecure and world-weary.” She also often talks about how if children are given too much power, it is scary, it’s overwhelming for them. They’re not supposed to be in control. They might want to be, but they’re not supposed to be. We are their caregivers, human beings care for their young for a very long time compared to other species. The development of a human being takes a long time and is incredibly complex due to the size of our brain. We are responsible for our children’s physical development and we are also responsible for their mental development. Their brain wants to explore autonomy, independence, confidence, they need those skills for when they are grown up. But their instinct for a long time is to check and make sure that they have an adult looking after them and caring for them. They are learning to be themselves and to assert their personalities, but it needs to be done in a safe and secure framework. It’s quite a lot to take in, I really get it. But when we truly understand the reasons for limit testing, we can hopefully get less frustrated about them.
So we’ve talked about the WHY, let’s talk about the HOW. How do we respectfully set a boundary. How to we respectfully hold a boundary when it’s being fired at from all angles.
I like to think of the 3Cs: Calm, Clear, Confident.
It’s important to remember that you as the parent decide what limit to set. You need to know what you feel comfortable with and when a boundary is needed. This can look differently in different families & cultures. Just because your friend is ok with her toddler climbing on the table, does not mean you have to be too. Everyone has different tolerance levels, different expectations, different values. Whatever they are, we can still set boundaries in a respectful way.
The first C: Calm. Set the limit early, while you are still calm, before you begin to feel stressed. If you set the limit early it’s easy to follow through in a calm and firm way. If you wait until you reach your patience tolerance or once your emotions start running high you could find yourself responding from a place of frustration or anger and result in losing your patience, shouting or shaming, you are more likely to cause an argument or a power struggle. If you don’t want your child to climb on you it’s more respectful to immediately say “I don’t want you to climb on me” and then either stop them or stand up than to angrily shout “ugh, get off me!” after they have climbed on you 5 times and you feel ‘touched out’.
If you see your toddler throwing toys or food on the floor it’s better to set a limit and stop them doing it right away, than to let it escalate to a place where you feel overwhelmed by the mess, frustrated and defeated. I totally understand that it can get tiring, repeating the same thing over and over again. But that’s why it is so important to stay calm. If we give the behaviour a big reaction, if we get stressed out by it our children will feel uncertain and insecure. My safe-adult has been shaken by this, does it mean they can still keep me safe? That’s when the testing can escalate again. If we can stay calm, matter of fact, they will learn what to expect. Oh yeah, if I spill this water she’s going to stop me. We stop them gently but firmly. We can place our hand over theirs if they’re about to throw. We can block their hand from hitting our face, or their sibling. We can place our hand in between the pen and sofa. We can block our baby from crawling towards the electrical socket.
Calm. The first C.
The second C is Clear. Children need clarity. Ambivalent language causes uncertainty and will most likely lead to more testing. This is not the time for lectures or rational explanations. You need to tell your child exactly what your expectations are using direct language. “I won’t let you paint on the sofa” conveys the message “I am setting the limit, I am not allowing this action.” A common phrase used by parents is “we don’t” as in “we don’t paint on the sofa.” This can be quite confusing, because who is “we” and who is setting the limit? You say “we don’t paint on the sofa” and your child is thinking “maybe you don’t but I do!” You want your child to know that this is a boundary you are setting. You might worry, “I don’t want to be the bad guy” but at the end of the day, YOU have to take responsibility for this. Don’t try to shift the blame onto “we” because it’s unclear. Your child won’t dislike you off they know it’s you setting the boundary. a) they already know that because if they carry on you will probably stop them anyway and b) remember that safety and security. They need to know that it’s US that they can trust to keep them safe. When they are older, they will begin to understand social norms, how to behave or not to behave in certain situations for example: “When we go to a library we stay quiet.” But when they are young and learning about the world they need to know that you are setting these expectations, these boundaries. Don’t hide behind the “we.” Another phrase that can cause ambiguity in a similar way is “you can’t” You say “you can’t climb on the table” or “you can’t hit your brother” and your child is clearly showing you that they CAN 🙂 Again, don’t be afraid, your child won’t stop loving you because you have taken ownership of this limit.
Another tactic to avoid is pleading. “Please don’t paint on the sofa, ok?” invites unwanted negotiations. You are asking but your child might not feel like obliging.
If you do say these phrases it’s ok. We are all learning and un-learning all the time. It takes time to learn something new. I’ve definitely used all those phrases, I still sometimes do. But I’m more aware of it. And if I a “You can’t do this” slips out at times, it’s ok to correct yourself “I won’t let you” – you end up repeating the boundary, and that’s ok 🙂 Nobody’s checking up on you to hear what phrase you use. It’s about setting a clear expectation and not being afraid to take ownership of the boundary.
So what SHOULD we say? “I won’t let you” is a phrase I learned from Janet Lansbury. I have quoted her so much in this episode, I’ll put a link to her website and podcast in the show notes. If you haven’t heard of her, you need to go check her work out.
“I won’t let you” is unambiguous and without the potential of inviting further behaviour. “I won’t let you paint on the sofa” “I won’t let you climb on the table” “I won’t let you hit your brother, I need to keep you both safe” It’s our job to set limits, don’t be afraid to be the leader.
Something else I used to say is “I’m going to stop you from painting the sofa” However, I have thought about it more and I feel like it definitely falls under the category of inviting further actions. “Oh, are you going to stop me? Let’s see how much more food I can throw before you stop me, let’s see how many more circles I can draw on the sofa before you stop me.” It sounds a bit like a threat or a promise so I stopped saying it. I honestly cannot think of anything more succinct, more clear and more confident than “I won’t let you.” If you have a phrase you use for setting limits then let me know, send me a message or an email. Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE (Resources for Infants and Educarers) says: A parent’s ambivalence […] will be picked up and used amazingly fast by young children. […] If you are not clear, the infant’s opposition will persist, which will make you, the parent, even angrier.” So yes, be clear.
That moves us onto the 3rd C. Confident. Now we should be confident when setting the limit as well, but this 3rd C relates more to confidently holding a boundary and confidently following through with the boundary when it’s being put under fire. When it’s being tested, resisted, refused.
We’ve decided on a limit, we have calmly set it, we have been clear with our child and they still carry on doing it. We have 2 options. We can offer an acceptable alternative, re-direct the action or we can impose a consequence. Usually, if our child goes along with the alternative then that’s the end of it, haha. Problem solved. “I won’t let you draw on the sofa, you can draw on this paper instead.” Or “I won’t let you climb on the table, let’s go to the playground.” “I won’t let you throw these toys, you can throw these balls instead.” However, if they continue the actions and don’t seem interested in your proposed redirection we need to hold the boundary and follow through with a logical consequence.
A logical consequence is something that is imposed by the adult. If they carry on doing this, this is what is going to happen. A logical consequence is non-punitive, it is directly and logically related to the behaviour and it happens immediately after the behaviour. Children do not follow logic like adults can. If we impose something too far away in the future it’s not relatable. And if it’s not relatable, then it’s completely meaningless to them. “I won’t let you throw food on the floor” This is your limit. You might try to gently stop or block your child’s hand. Your child continues to throw food, your logical consequence could be: “If you keep throwing food on the floor that means you’re done eating and mealtime is over.” It’s directly related to their action, they know what is going to happen immediately after. “I won’t let you dump your toys off the shelf. If you carry on dumping we will have to go play somewhere else.” “I won’t let you hit me. If you carry on hitting me I will place you down.” “I won’t let you pull the dog’s tail. If you carry on pulling his tail we will have to go to another room.” “I won’t let you draw on the sofa. If you carry on drawing on the sofa I will have to put the pens away.” If the child doesn’t resist the consequence, you move on. I feel like this should be a flow chart, haha, maybe I’ll create one. You can invite them to clean up the mess, pick up the toys, wipe the sofa etc, but again not forcing them to do it. If you force it, they will resist. Invite, help and model. They may join you. If they begin to resist or refuse the logical consequence you have imposed, that’s when you confidently follow through.
Remember, this is so so important. None of this should be done in a punitive way. More like a ’matter-of-fact’ ’this-is-what’s-happening.’ We’re not taking their food away because they’re making a mess. We’re taking the food away because they are showing us that they aren’t eating anymore. It might seem like a small difference in semantics, but it’s a huge difference in approach and attitude. We’re not sending our child to another room because they threw their toys or pulled the dog’s tail. We are removing them from a situation where they aren’t able to control their impulse. We step in and take control before it takes control of us. Before we get angry at the mess, before the dog gets hurt, before we get hurt if our toddler is hitting us.” We stay with them. We support them through this. We prepare them for a consequence to their actions and then we calmly and confidently follow through. We lead them. We show them that this is not an appropriate action. It’s an action that we are going to intervene with if it continues. The purpose is not to hurt, shame or disconnect. In fact, we are in a way connecting even more. “I won’t let you bite your sister. If you carry on biting I will have to pick you up and move you away from her.” Means: I am keeping you and your sister safe. “I won’t let you run in the street. If you carry on running you will have to hold my hand, or I will have to carry you.” Means: I am keeping you safe.
I will let you explore the world, and I will keep you safe.
But in reality, we all know that just because they internally get this message that we, their trusted caregivers are in control, the railings on the bridge are secure and stable, the boundaries are consistent…it doesn’t mean that our children have to automatically accept it. Remember they are finding out their sense of self. They have emotions, they have impulses. They aren’t always going to be happy about the limit we are setting. We are stopping them from doing something they want to do, and they are allowed to express their disappointment. When that happens we can accept and acknowledge the emotions they are expressing. “I understand, you really wanted to climb on me” or “You wanted to paint on the sofa and I stopped you, that’s upsetting.” “You’re frustrated because I stopped you from climbing the table. You really wanted to do that.” They can be upset or frustrated AND we can still hold the limit. They can be angry or mad at us AND we can still follow through with the consequence. Again, don’t be afraid. Your child will not love you less because you stopped them drawing on the sofa. In fact, respectfully and consistently setting limits strengthens our relationship with our children. I’m going to quote Simone Davies, the author of The Montessori Toddler. This quote is from her book: “Setting limits can feel difficult. Our child may not be happy with the limit being set. Yet when we set a limit in a supportive and loving way, they learn to trust that we have their best interests in mind, and the connection with our child can grow even stronger.”
If they have big emotions about a boundary, we allow them to express them. We can accept their emotions AND hold the boundary at the same time. Magda Gerber sums it up so succinctly: “Desires should be acknowledged and accepted, but rules enforced.” We cannot always provide our children with what they want, but we can always listen to and acknowledge their desires even if we cannot fulfil them. We can always accept and acknowledge their emotions. I talked about acknowledging emotions in episode 3. I’ll put a link to it in the show notes if you want to learn more about that.
Before we finish I want to mention the concept of “giving in.” Sometimes after we have set a limit and we are dealing with the big emotions that come alongside it, we ask ourselves if it was worth it. We might feel like we have gone down this path now and we’re not budging because this would undermine our authority. We have created a boundary and we want to be consistent with holding it. And if we do end up lifting the limit we beat ourselves up about it, we feel like we’ve “given in” or like “they’ve won.” I’d like you to try and move away from this attitude for 2 reasons. First one is, being consistent is very different from being stubborn. If you have set a boundary but later realise it was not reasonable or appropriate, it’s ok to change your mind. If you find yourself giving in because your child whines or cries or nags, was that boundary really necessary in the first place? It won’t undermine you in your child’s eyes if you change your mind. It’s not a battle that needs to be “won” it’s a dynamic, developing relationship that we are working on all the time. My 4 year old often challenges a boundary with the most lovable question of them all: “why?” Why should I do this? Or “why should I stop this?” And honestly, it’s a fair question and sometimes I can’t think of a logical or reasonable answer. So I change my mind. Be honest about it. “I didn’t want you to take your shoes off at the playground because I was worried you would get cold. Now that you’ve done it, I can see you’re fine. Your shoes are right here if your feet get cold.” We’re all human, we’re all allowed to make mistakes, we’re all allowed to change our mind. Yes, it’s important to be consistent but not at the cost of holding a boundary we no longer feel committed to just because we said so 2 minutes ago.
Second reason for not thinking that we are “giving in” is that we aren’t. We are modelling, we are teaching them how to be responsible. Remember the reasons for why we set limits, at the beginning? If we help our child clean their toys up, we’re not giving into their testing, their resistance. We are modelling how to care for our environment. If we don’t move the dog to another room we’re not giving in, we’re showing them how to be gentle. If we wash the pen off the sofa we’re not giving in to their refusal, we’re teaching them that we clean up after ourselves and they can trust that we are always here to help them.
Wow! That is a LOT to take in. I’m going to quickly summarise it for you now.
You decide what limit to set. You decide what’s appropriate or not.
Then when setting the limit, remember the 3Cs:
Be Calm – set the limit early, before your frustration rises.
Be Clear – use direct and clear language, leave no room for assumptions or negotiations
Be Confident – confidently follow through when necessary
I guess this could be the 4th C – Consitent. If you constantly set limits that are calm, clear & confident your child won’t feel the need to test them as often.
When they do, remain calm, remain confident. Accept their feelings. And remember it’s ok to re-assess and change your mind if you think it’s applicable.
This is a big change in perspective and it’s not easy so please be kind to yourself. Be aware of these things, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t manage to stay calm the first time. It might not happen the next time you set a limit, maybe not the next 2-3 times but you will start remembering it more and more. None of us are perfect. We’re all human, we all have good & bad days, different moods. But this is something we can aim for, we can strive for. We are educating ourselves about this, learning about it, repeating this information causes us to internalise it more and more. With each limit set in an angry and argumentative way, we can set one in a calm, clear consistent way and we will learn to do it more and more often. We are re-wiring our brains too! It requires a lot of practice, but we’re all here doing the same thing right? We’re all wanting to learn and do better for our children.
I will be doing a live Q&A on Instagram Monday evening so if you have any questions you can hop onto instagram and ask any questions you have. You can find me @trustingchildren you can also always send me an email aisha@tc – this is a hard thing to do, so don’t be afraid to ask for help. We’re all on this journey together, and we can do this!
Thank you everyone so much for listening to this veeeeery long episode today. I hope it has given you some useful information. I really appreciate every single download, so thank you for being here and for spending your time with me today. I’ll see you in the next episode. We ARE all in this together and we have got this!
