Do you sometimes feel confused about whether to help your child with a task or step back? Sometimes our children want us to do things for them and other times when we offer our help they get mad at us for even suggesting it! If you are wondering what is the best way to support our children through frustrations and struggles and when to step in or step back this episode is for you. I talk about why it’s important to allow our children to sometimes make mistakes, learn from frustrations and also experience joy and success. I will give you some examples of when to step back and how to offer minimal help when it’s required.
In the Everyday Heroes segment, I speak to Lucie, a mum of 2 children aged 5.5 and 3.5. Lucie talks to us about how she discovered positive parenting and also gives tips on ways of finding balance in our lives, which is especially challenging since the pandemic. Real and raw stories from parents.
Welcome to Trusting Children Podcast Episode 5.
I’m Aisha an early years teacher and a mum of three very active young children. Early childhood development is something I feel incredibly passionate about and love talking about it. I started this podcast to support parents in feeling more calm and confident in their parenting. Thanks for being here and sharing your time with me today.
Our children do so many things every single day, but sometimes frustration gets the better of them. If you are wondering what is the best way to support our children through such struggles this episode is for you.
Knowing when to help and when to step back is a constant guessing game for parents. Sometimes children are desperately asking for our help, and other times when we offer it to them they get mad at us for even suggesting it. Somehow we can never get it right! What’s a parent to do? By the end of this episode you will have a clearer idea on how to support your child through frustrations and struggles, what you can do and what to say.
Hello Everyone, I hope you had a good week. You know when you have an idea in your head of something being so lovely and joyful and then it turns into the complete opposite? So, our 2 dogs lost all their balls somewhere in the garden. Usually they find one or 2 after a few days but it’s been a week now and no balls to be seen. So I went to the pet shop and got 3. I thought “aww it will be so lovely if I give the children a ball each and they can give them to the dogs.” So I told the kids I’ve got some special new toys for the dogs and do they want to give it to them? The kids took 1 ball each and REFUSED to give any to the dogs. Definitely a face palm moment. Obviously the dogs have seen them, (and they squeak) so they are all worked up and going crazy, the kids are just running around with their hand up high screaming at the dogs and each other if anyone dares touch the ball. I couldn’t get the balls off the kids until bedtime, and then obviously the poor dogs couldn’t play with noisy squeaky toys so they had to wait till the next day. It’s ok now, ball possession has been finalised and the dogs now have 3 balls to chase. Order has been restored.
Anyway…we’re here today to talk helping our children with tasks and specifically the concept of ‘minimal help’. It is only normal that we want to do things for our children and help them. We do so much for them from the day they are born. We hold them, change them, feed them, move them, dress them etc. As they get older their needs change and we help them with many other things. However as our children are growing so are their skills and abilities. As adults, we often tend to underestimate what children are capable of. This can lead to a conflict of interest, so to speak. We think our child can’t do something, they think they can. The result is often rising frustration, sometimes even tantrums. As our children get older they become more vocal about wanting to do things themselves. If you have a toddler you will have definitely heard them shout “ME DO IT” at some point, or the equivalent in any other language.
Let’s start with challenging the way we view children. Generally as a society we tend to view children as these little beings who are not very good at anything. They don’t know how to talk, they don’t know how to walk, they don’t know how to do so many things and we see our role as adults in teaching them and showing them how to do all these things. They get in the way, they break things, they make a mess, they can sometimes be annoying when we’re trying to get things done. I think we all feel that at points, this doesn’t mean we don’t love our children but it does sometimes feel like we have very little faith. Now of course, there are things that children absolutely cannot and should not do…drive a car, manage your bank account, be in charge of the weekly shopping etc. But there are SOOO many things that children CAN and should do. These are things that are appropriate for their developmental stage and that are relevant to THEM. When children are born and as they are growing their one main goal is to learn from us. They are absorbing eeeeverything, they want to know EVERYTHING, they want to DO everything that we do. So we need to take a step back and allow them to have these experiences.
Imagine you started a new job and you had to learn a few new things, one of your responsibilities was to submit a report at the end of every month. The first month, your manager came up and said “ah, we don’t really have time so I’ll just do it for you.” At first you might feel grateful for the help. Then the next time and the next time your manager just does everything for you. You might start feeling a bit disheartened, you might loose confidence, maybe they think I’m not good enough, maybe they don’t trust me to do this right? Then one day when the report is due, you sit back and think “ah, I don’t need to worry about this, my manager is gonna come in and do it for me” but that day they aren’t in the office and their supervisor comes in and yells at you for not having this prepared.
Obviously this is an imaginary situation, but often this is what children experience. For the whole time they are young, they are told they are too little to do this, they have things done for them, they aren’t allowed to make mistakes and to explore and then one day they are expected to just do everything! Very confusing. Also its not very confidence-boosting. They KNOW that we can do things better & faster. They already adore their parents, they already know that their parents are the best. We don’t need to keep proving to them that we can build a taller tower or throw the ball further, or dress them quicker etc.
And I completely trust that for the most part, parents’ intentions are good. Usually it’s small innocent acts that we do without thinking twice. But inadvertently, when we do everything for our kids this is the message we are giving: I can do this better.
I know that it can be very tempting, especially when we’re short on time and our toddler is taking 20 mins to fasten one shoe, to just do it for them. But when you can, when you aren’t rushing to get somewhere give them that time.
We must remember that the more we do for our children, the longer it will take them to do these things for themselves. If we trust in their abilities, if we believe they can do things, they will start believing in themselves too. I’m sure you also feel much more positive when people trust that you can do things, rather than constantly doubting and checking up on you?
The danger is also, that when we DO everything for our children they will begin to expect it, and rely on it. And what happens when we aren’t there to help one day? Or when we decide we’ve had enough of doing things for them?
So what exactly am I talking about? Let’s look at some examples.
It starts with our very youngest, smallest babies. Your infant is lying awake on their mat. Instead of waving a toy in their face, let them choose what they want to look at. They might want to look at you, or the ceiling, or a mobile. We don’t need to “help” them or entertain them.
Your baby is learning how to roll over. Observe the development of their movements. You don’t need to lift their legs, roll them over or roll them back. They will learn this in time.
If you have a baby who is mobile (maybe rolling, maybe just starting to crawl) and they are playing with a rattle. It rolls over juuuuust out of reach. Of course it would take us less than 2 seconds to pass it back. But if we wait, we can see our baby achieving something special. They would scoot, crawl, shuffle, wiggle or do anything they can to make their way towards that toy to get their toy back. It will take much longer, they will be working very hard, there can be some frustration along the way. But once they get it! The satisfaction and joy of their independent achievement is worth so much to their budding personality and confidence. The “I can do this” attitude starts when they are tiny!
As our children grow into toddlerhood, like I said earlier, they become more vocal. So how do we support them without making them too reliant on us, or without crushing their confidence. The answer is MINIMAL help. Basically, do the bare minimum that you can, to just help them get on with the task.
Imagine your toddler is stacking wooden blocks. They line up 3-4 and the structure comes tabling down. Each child will have, just like us adults, different levels of tolerance. This could depend on how they are feeling that day, how tired or refreshed they are, any previous experiences with the toy, or just their character and temperament. I experienced this with my twins the other day (they were sitting on the rug building duplo towers and making them super tall, which meant the towers were inevitably collapsing). One of the twins, would let out a grunt and start collecting his duple cubes to start again. Whilst the other one, was screaming as if he was in agony. This went on for about 10 mins. Building up a tower, tower falls down, they start again. They were both clearly getting frustrated but in very different ways. To the one twin who seemed to “take it on the chin” I would say something (only if he looked at me for some sort of comment or comfort) I would say: uh, that’s frustrating. You built that tall tower and it’s fallen down again!” Now I must say, even though the other twin’s frustration was a lot more explosive, he also kept picking up his duple cubes and starting over again and again. The only difference was that this was accompanied by a lot of sobs and screams. To him I started off saying pretty much the same thing. “You worked so hard building that tall tower, and it keeps falling. That’s very frustrating.” However, as his anger and frustration started rising, he was getting more and more upset, he was literally shaking with each sob as he was putting the next cube on top of his 20th tower I made a small suggestion. “Maybe you could stand up and then you can reach the top” he tried that and was able to add another 10 or so cubes. It’s haaaaard watching our children go through such tough emotions, but the key here is acknowledging (I talk about acknowledging difficult emotions in episode 3). There is a number of ways I could have helped. I could have placed the blocks on for him, I could have suggested a better structure, I could have corrected the way he was attaching the blocks. What is the minimal interference that was required from me to help him carry on with his project. Now, I don’t know if this is the 100% correct thing, maybe I could have done something different, maybe I could have done even less. But I offered yo hold the bottom of the tower still for him. He accepted my help and carried on. It still collapsed many times. Eventually we had to stop as we were going somewhere and had to get ready. But in the moment, this was the least I could do to allow him to carry on with his work.
If my daughter is doing a puzzle, it’s easy for me to just show her where the piece should go. But instead I can ask her what she sees in the picture, are there any colours she could match up, does the shape fit here? Etc. With my toddlers when they are doing a puzzle, I might say “have you tried turning it around” or “oh look! This cat is upside down” rather than pointing “here it goes.”
Sometimes waiting is the key. I’ve had many situations where my 4year old will be almost in tears “help me, I can’t do this” and before I can even respond she manages to solve her problem. “Oh, you did it yourself! You don’t need my help anymore.” With a younger child, I get down to their level and look at the problem together with them. Phrases like “i wonder” or “what do you think” are quite helpful. “I wonder which way you need to turn this to open it.”
Other instances where we can offer minimal help is during dressing. It could look like, for a baby, allowing them to raise their arm when you’re putting it into a sleeve. Or holding down the bottom of the zip so the child can zip their jumper up. Or laying their t-shirt out so they can put it on themselves, or simply giving them the TIME to perform and practice these skills. This is challenging, I know because there are times when you just need everyone to be dressed. And I often get impatient at these times. When I’ve supported one child through buttoning a jumper (which takes 10 minutes) then another through finding his trouser leg (another 10) and then by the time the 3rd child comes to me poor thing my patience is gone. Especially when I turn around to see the 2nd one has taken his trousers off! Aaargh, but we need to be aware. There are situations when we haven’t got the time or patience and sometimes we WILL do something for our children and that’s ok. Sometimes they might ask for help and I will just do it for them and that’s also ok. They are learning that they can always count on my help. I say to my children “I will help you, but I won’t’ do it for you.” I also make sure that they have plenty of opportunities to figure things out for themselves and to experience failures, disappointments and frustrations but also the accomplishment and achievement of doing something, of learning something on their own. This is how their self-confidence will keep growing.
The two main messages I want you to take from this are: 1) if you can refrain for helping at all, do that. Support verbally, emotionally, be there but don’t do it for them. And 2) if you really do have to help, think of the smallest thing you can do to set them on their way. Think of it as a gentle push so they can continue riding. I’m going to leave you with a famous quote from Maria Montessori. She says: “Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.” This is so simple and yet so profound. If your child thinks they can do something, give them the space to do it. Resist the temptation to help or to correct, allow them to make mistakes and to try again.
Are you ready to give it a go? What I’d like you to do is the next time your child needs your help, I’d like you to really think about “what is the bare minimum I can do to get them going again?” And then do that. Prepare yourself to not be afraid of their frustration, support them through it, acknowledge how they are feeling. Also observe, if it is something that is really too difficult and they are getting increasingly frustrated over and over again, then maybe take away that resource for a while. If it’s a skill they are working on (like putting shoes on) then … practice makes perfect 🙂
That’s it for today’s episode and now time for our Everyday Hero series.
Parents are the unrecognised and under appreciated heroes of our world. We do so much important work on an everyday basis and it needs to be talked about more. All parents are heroes and every parents story deserves to be heard.
Aisha: Welcome! Today our guest on the show is Lucie. Lucie is Czech and she lives in Prague. She has 2 young children 3.5 and 5.5 years old. Lucie has a background in business coaching and she works with parents to help them find a work-life balance.
Hello Lucie! Welcome! Thank you very much for coming to talk with us today.
Lucie: Hello! Thank you very much for the invitation, I am very very happy to be here today.
Aisha: Lucie, if you would like to start telling us about your experience as a parent. You said you were quite into positive parenting. So what brought you here and what has inspired you along the road?
Lucie: When I was pregnant with my first child, a boy, I read lots of books because I wanted to be prepared. I am the type who wants to know and always wants to do things correct so I read so many books from American, English and Czech authors. I wanted to have the feeling to know what it was to be a mother. I got into the book “Be A Happier Parent with NLP” by Judy Bartkowiak. This book changed my life because it was all about positive parenting, communication, and looking for a good intention in children’s behavior. They are not naughty and it explained why. I was just so amazed by the book and the approach so I started practicing for 5 years now. It really works. I have calm children, I have work life balance, we have children that are interested in flags and speak 2 languages. They are now learning to speak Spanish too. My son is 5 and he has knows how to write, read, and do maths. Not just 1 + 1. So it is developing the talent within them and focusing on the positive things rather than comparing them or shouting at them or being frustrated with them. Of course I have been frustrated, I was a new mother and did not know if I was doing things right. But if you have a good intention about things that you do with your children, it is always going to be alright and work. You don’t need to put pressure on yourself as a mother or a father to be perfect. If you have the good intention, the love, and the care for your children which every parent does so it comes with it. Suddenly being a mother is a pleasurable thing. It is not tiring, it is not frustrating, and it is not an exhausting job.
Aisha: What you said is really important. We put so much pressure on ourselves as parents to be perfect. But if we approach it with this love, care, and passion then it takes the pressure off a little bit. Lucie, you also wanted to talk about balance between being a parent. Quite often parents have to go back to work and this is your speciality. Would you like to share some tips and help parents know how to find this work life balance.
Lucie: Of course! It is my passion as well. I am a balance coach for business parents so parents who actually run a business or trying to build a business. Also, I am an LP therapist/LP practitioner. I am helping them and assisting them to find their life balance. Everyone says it is just a work life balance but it isn’t just work life balance because there is a family as well with children who need love and attention. There is also a pandemic so right now nurseries are closed and people have no help or support. Right now you can’t even travel from one city to another. So suddenly you are on your own with your business, with your partner, with your children, and you feel you have to do everything. The pressure starts building up so I am helping them to find this balance to have time for themselves. It is not normal to be tired or normal to be exhausted when your child asks you to have water or to play you snap because you are tired from work. So where is the balance? What is good for you? That is the most important part; your health. You as a parent-you as a mother or you as a father. So the first thing I come across is the awareness. People are not aware that you still can have a life, you can still have a hobby, you can still be yourself even though you have a family and have to go back to work or are building a business. It is normal to be yourself, to do your things, and carry on with your hobbies. We tend to feel that if we have children now then that is our life and I have to put everything on my children and all my time is going to be for my children. But then I have to go back to work so I can be financially independent so we can actually survive. Especially right now when nurseries and schools are not open.
So first thing is to realize that it is not normal that you compromise in your life as a person. The second thing is to communicate and involve or think about your life and how you can involve your children and your husband/wife. What can you do together that brings you happiness or brings your joy? What activities can you do? Be more flexible. If you are flexible then you have more choices. You can have a successful life because you are happy. Also, look at things you are grateful for and don’t look at the negative stuff like the pandemic. What can I do with my family or myself to implement my hobbies or the things I love to do? To be specific, you used to like to go to yoga or other activities but now everything is shutdown. So how can you do your yoga, 30 minutes or 1 hour, and involve my family and children? It is something you love and enjoy. There are a few options on how you can do this. There are so many videos on YouTube or Zoom yoga. If you start stretching your flexibility and looking for choices that you have in your life to keep maintaining what you like. Instead of saying you have to wait because of the pandemic. Now you’ve waited for one year and nothing has changed.
Aisha: Thank you! I think it is so important and communication is really the key to ask your family or whoever you have around you. If it is your husband, or wife, or boyfriend, or partner and saying you need this time. The same for them. If they ask you to do something then find a way to work together. Thank you Lucie. Is there anything else you would like to share?
Lucie: Yes, I would like to also mention communication and use positive language. Look for a good thing. Even though you think that it is an obvious thing because you feel it, it isn’t obvious what you want to say. No one can see what you need in your head and your heart. Be open and communicate. “I need that 20 minutes to calm myself down.” “I need to have the cup of tea.” “I need to sit down.” “Kids would you like to do some drawing while mummy has a cup of tea?” Even with your partner, when you see and observe their body language, you can ask them if they need to go for a walk or have quiet time to themselves. You can be aware as to what is around you. So using positive and simple language is the key. Before we finish, I want to add a little message. It is very important that you respect your child, always speak to them with a positive intention, and let them grow and be.
Aisha: That is amazing! Thank you so much Lucie. Thank you for sharing your story with us and some really useful tips.
That is all from me today. Thank you for being here and for showing up for your children. I hope this was helpful and I’ll see you in the next episode. We are all in this together and we have got this!
