03 – Accept what I’m feeling

Welcome to Trusting Children Podcast Episode 3.

I’m Aisha your host, an early childhood educator and right now my main job is raising my 3 children. I love talking to parents and sharing everything I have learned about respectful parenting.

This show is my latest baby and I created it to help parents respectfully navigate the intensity of parenthood. Thanks for tuning in and sharing your time with me today.

Children have so many emotions and they don’t hide how they feel. If you feel like you’re in a minefield trying to figure out how to respond to our little ones intense emotions this episode is for you. 

Acknowledging emotions is probably the most powerful and life-changing skill you can learn as a parent, and as a human. In this episode we will explore what it means to acknowledge feelings, how to do it and how it can help us and our children during strong emotional outbursts. By the end of this episode you will feel confident in knowing what to do the next time your little one can’t cope with their feelings.

Hi everyone, I hope you have had a good week. My daughter came up to me today and said “Mum, look what we’ve done” I don’t know if your children say this to you but that sentence sparks a whole cocktail of emotions running through my head. Fear, dread, hope, wishes. Is it going to be a nice surprise, have they done something amazing or am I going to walk into a burning down house? Today…it was 20 yes 2 0 eggs all over the floor. Normally I get the dogs to clear up any food mess, but even for them 20 raw eggs would just mean I’d be picking up runny dog poo for days, so no thanks. I cleaned up the eggs, and they’re not that easy to clean, Thank you for that my dearest children. Anyway….

Let’s talk about emotions, and more specifically about ACKNOWLEDGING difficult emotions. It’s wonderful when everyone is in a good mood, we can laugh, cuddle, enjoy playing with our children and generally feel like the day is going great. But let’s be honest, that isn’t how most days go. Even during a wonderful, happy day our children can still go through difficult moments and we need to be able to support them through this without getting swept away in the whirlwind ourselves. Is it easy? No, it isn’t. But all we can do, is do our best. We can learn about how to deal with it, we can learn to understand it and do out best.

We are biologically wired to do everything we can to protect our children from harm. We want them to be safe and to be happy. We automatically want to stop them from feeling any emotions that are perceived as negative: sadness, anger, worry, fear. When our children exhibit these emotions are auto-pilot tells us to make it all better. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s in our DNA to protect our children from anything bad happening to them. We tend to do two things. We either try to distract or we try to fix the problem. I’m going to talk about each of these and explain why we should find a different way. 

Distractions first, So we might sing them a song, distract them with a toy, give them a snack, do anything we possibly can to stop them feeling the way they are. When we distract, we take away an opportunity for our children to learn how to deal with the emotion right there. How can they learn how to cope with anger, fear, sadness if whenever they feel it, they are moved away from it. If instead of distracting we allow our children to feel what they are feeling and support them through it, they will start learning that these emotions are normal, they are ok to feel and they will begin to learn how to appropriately cope with them. Say your child loses their favourite cuddly toy and is very upset at bedtime. Instead of: “Don’t worry, we will get a new toy, here how about you cuddle this puppy tonight” etc. We can acknowledge their sadness: “You are very sad because you lost your favourite bear. I hear you, it’s so upsetting when we lose something we love. I know you love cuddling it when you sleep. This must be very hard for you, I am here for you.” Can you feel the healing power of these words? 

When we distract we in a way dismissing what they are feeling. Say your partner has gone away for a few days and your child misses them. Instead of: “Don’t worry, they will be back soon, there’s no need to be sad, here let’s play hide and seek etc. We can acknowledge how they are feeling: “You are feeling upset because mum/dad is away. Sometimes we feel sad when we miss someone. Missing someone means we love them very much. I am sure they are missing you too. I am here for you now, would you like a cuddle?” Can you see how helping them name these emotions can help them process what they are feeling?

We are accepting and validating how our children feel. We are telling them, it’s ok to feel this way, it’s human, it’s normal. When we distract, we are saying “I don’t want to deal with your feelings, have a snack instead. Now, I’m the first person to go grab a chocolate bar when I’m not feeling 100%, but I’m an adult making this choice to drown my sorrows in wine or chocolate, our children don’t have this experience yet. All these emotions are still very new to them so we should be wary of using distractions (especially food) when trying to comfort them.

The second thing we often try to do is fix things. Often the problems are out of our control and we can’t actually fix them. Sometimes we might not even know what the problem is, sometimes our children might not even know exactly what is making them feel this way. Sometimes things CAN be fixed, and it’s great to help our children find solutions, but it’s better if this can be done after, after the emotions have been dealt with, after they have been felt. I can tell you a very recent example of my own. I had had a couple of really hard days, I was on the verge of tears for about 3 days and then finally when Mark and I were able to find some time to talk it all came flooding out. But for those 3 days I was hesitant to share my worries with him, because I thought “it was nothing” (this goes back to the first point, because we are taught to dismiss feelings like this) but also because I knew he would straight away jump into “fixing” mode and telling me that this problem can be solved like this and like this. And eventually, yes we got there. But while I was just letting it all out I didn’t need to hear those solutions, I didn’t WANT to. I wanted him to hear ME out. After I was able to calm my own emotions and we started talking about solutions, they seemed logical and I could actually accept them and start working on them. But during those 3 days of this emotional turmoil, there was no way I would have listened to his solutions, it would have made me feel even worse. It’s the same with our children. I’ll tell you a little anecdote, 2 separate breakfasts, 2 separate occasions, a very similar problem, and 2 very different responses from me. My 2year old was falling apart because he wanted the blue bowl and it was dirty in the dishwasher. On the first occasion, I said “oh, don’t worry about it, I’ll wash it up for you.” What do you think, Do you think it helped? Nope…and then I started feeling like “come on! It’s what you wanted, you wanted the blue bowl, you’ve got it, what’s wrong?” Overall frustration started rising. So the next day I did something different. He started crying about a spoon this time, so I got down next to him, I acknowledged “Yeah, you really wanted the yellow spoon and we can’t find it.” I didn’t go looking for the spoon, I stayed with him, I held him, I comforted him. Once he was calm then I asked, do you want to look the spoon? He said “yes” and we found it under the table and he was fine after that. This made it so clear to me, he didn’t want me to fix it, he just wanted me to listen.

The same goes for fear, when our children are afraid of something we want to show them how “un-scary” this thing is, but it doesn’t really matter how not-afraid we are, if our child is. Let’s say Your child is afraid of a dog. Instead of: “Don’t be scared, it’s only a dog, look how fluffy he is” etc. We can acknowledge what they are feeling: “You feel afraid, you don’t want the dog to come near you, I understand, it is barking quite loud and moving around very fast. I’m right here next to you, are you ok standing here or would you like to leave?” Can you see how this helps the child to process their fear? They are not forced to deal with it but rather helped to understand what they are feeling. They can deal with it when they feel ready for it.

When our children exhibit anger, especially if it’s directed towards us we can start feeling angry or disrespected ourselves. We need to remember that when this happens, it very rarely means that your child doesn’t like you. It’s quite the opposite. They feel SO comfortable around you and secure in your love that they feel safe expressing their anger at you. If we add our own intense emotions to the fiery mix, nothing good comes of that. Imagine your child does not want to leave the playground but it is time to go. Instead of: “Come on, if you don’t leave with me now we will  never come back here again. Stop crying and start walking” etc. We can acknowledge their anger: “You feel angry at me because we had to leave the park. I know you were having a great time. It’s upsetting when we have to stop doing something we enjoy. I can hear you are frustrated, I am here for you.” Can you see how in contrast to the first response the second one is much more likely to help to de-escalate a tense situation?

The ironic truth is that the more we accept our children’s feelings, even the negative ones, the easier it becomes for everybody involved to deal with them. Janet Lansbury explains this perfectly. She says: “One of the most ironically counterintuitive twists of parenting is this: the more we welcome our children’s displeasure, the happier everyone in our household will be.”

These feelings can be hard to process and confusing for children. If we avoid dealing with them we run the risk of creating this aura of shame and negativity around them. Children learn that these feelings should be stopped, hidden. They start to associate the feelings with our love for them “Mummy doesn’t like it when I’m sad” can easily turn into “Mummy doesn’t like ME when I’m sad.” It’s SO important to accept and acknowledge ALL of our children’s emotions, it makes them feel heard and unconditionally loved. They know they are safe to express what they are feeling and they know we will help them get through it. They need to know that our love for them does not depend on them being happy, that they are loved no matter what they are feeling in the moment. The message we want to get across to our children is that we are not scared of dealing with their big feelings, we can cope with them, we can help. And over time our children will also learn to cope with them and react appropriately. It is another important pillar of our relationship of trust with our children. We want them to know we understand what they are going through, we are not dismissing it. 

I know this isn’t easy. Our children’s intense emotions can send our own brains into a state of disregulation, but just being AWARE of this, can help us control our own feelings in the moment enough to help our children ride out theirs.

I’m going to ask you to do something a bit difficult right now. I’m going to ask you…to reflect on why you think we feel so uncomfortable around children’s intense emotions? Why do we try to stop these feelings? It could be because this was our experience, because we were always told to “stop crying” or “don’t be scared” or “there’s nothing to worry about” “don’t be angry” etc? We have been taught, as a society to hide how we really feel, our feelings are dismissed, pushed away, suppressed. It could be that we feel uncomfortable because we don’t really know HOW to help our children deal with these emotions. It could be because they bring up our own strong emotions and memories or subconscious feelings within us.

So let’s think about the opposite scenario. Imagine all our negative feelings were accepted and validated, that we were taught how to cope with anger appropriately, supported in overcoming our fears, we know that these emotions are all human, they are all normal, and everyone feels these things at some point. We don’t feel like we need to hide how we really feel. We are able to process what we are feeling better, we don’t feel this stigma around being sad, upset.

Our children are still learning a) what these feelings are, remember this is all new to them and b) how on earth they are supposed to cope with them. And it’s our role to help them understand what is happening to them, to their body and to their mind. We don’t want to dismiss them, to tell them to stop, to hide and suppress their emotions. We want them to learn what these feelings are and how to cope with them.

Imagine after a very long day at work, you get a flat tyre on the way home, after dealing with that, the recovery vehicle etc, you get home and all you want is a cup of tea, and it turns out you have run out. So you call your best friend in tears and just want to vent…and your friend tells you “ah, stop crying, you’re fine, it wasn’t that bad”…I dunno about you, but I think I’d feel worse! Or if your friend started saying “well, you should have checked your tyres last week and you should have got tea the other day when you went to the shop, you knew you were running low…” these comments don’t really change anything, it doesn’t help. This “I told you so attitude” as tempting as it can sometimes be, it’s just not helpful at all. Now imagine if instead your friend said: “oh man, that really sucks. Ah that’s so annoying I totally get how annoyed you must be right now. And no tea! How frustrating, when that’s all you wanted!” Can you feel the difference? What we really want, what we are after is somebody to listen, At the end of the day, as Magda Gerber so profoundly puts it “We all need someone who understands.” And for our children that person is US.

As a parent, there’s nothing harder than to watch our children suffering. And it doesn’t matter if it’s our 2 year old wanting the stripy socks that you left at grandmas, or if it’s our 8 year old feeling mad because someone at the playground called them a silly name, or if it’s our 17 year old feeling heartbroken because the person they like doesn’t like them back. All these feelings are REAL to our children, whatever age they are. And what brings ME as a parent the biggest comfort, and I have to say I almost relish in this feeling when it’s happening. Is that I KNOW, with my whole heart and body I KNOW that no matter how upset, angry or scared they are feeling, I am their comfort. That when they come to me, when they are in my arms they know I will listen, they know I will support them through it, they know I am their safe space. So as I’m holing my screaming toddler, I am thinking: I am here, I will ALWAYS help you through this. I might not be able to fix it, but I will always hold your hand through it. You can come to me with anything. This is what helps me ride out the intensity of the emotions they are feeling.

Also it’s important to remember, sometimes you don’t have to say anything! Our presence is always much more powerful than the words we say. Our presence is what will help them get through it. We are their safety net, their security blanket, their rock, their calm in the storm. I also use silence if I’m feeling irritable, if feel like I might say something un-helpful. If I find myself wanting to jump into this “I told you so mode” or if I’m thinking “oh come on, we’ve been through this already” or “how much longer is this gonna go on for?” … I just don’t sat anything. It’s better to say nothing than something that will make the other person feel worse, right? I might say it in my head, I might close my eyes and roll them, but to my child, I am there for them when they need me. Sometimes my children just need a 5 second hug, sometimes it’s 40 minutes or more. We need to allow them to process, to feel what they need to feel.

Now I have to mention, that even in moments of emotional turmoil it is still important to maintain clear boundaries. If your child is being destructive or is hurting themselves or someone else (that includes you) you need to firmly and gently stop/block them. You can say “I understand you are frustrated, but I won’t let you hit me.” Often in times when our children are feeling confused and lost is when they need consistent boundaries the most. I am planning an episode on boundaries, we will talk about this but for today I really wanted to focus on acknowledging the feelings. 

I’m not going to pretend it’s easy. But it’s so so powerful and SO important for the relationship you are building with your child. And remember you don’t have to go all in right away. You can take small steps. Just being aware of your own and your child’s emotions is a first, huge step. What I’d like you to do, it next time your child is feeling something intense, I’d like you to take a second to recognise it and be aware. Remember, you don’t have to fix it, you don’t have to distract. Tell them what you see. Imagine your words being a mirror for their emotions. Open up your arms and accept their feelings so they learn to accept them too. This is not easy, so please don’t go through this alone, reach out to people. Speak to your support network or even contact me. Tell me if you have tried it, tell me how it went, tell me if you need more info or more help. You can always send me an email, you can find me on instagram & facebook. I’m always here and ready to listen to parents, you don’t have to go through this alone.

That’s it for this episode, now I’d like to introduce a new segment called Everyday Heroes.

Parents are the unrecognised and under appreciated heroes of our world. We do so much important work on an everyday basis and it needs to be talked about more. All parents are heroes and every parents story deserves to be heard.

Today our guest is Lindsey. Lindsey is from Minnesota in the United States. She lives in Prague and has a little boy who just turned 5 months yesterday. Lindsey wanted to talk about how it felt to become a new mom and surviving the 4th trimester. 

Aisha: Hi Lindsey! Thanks so much for coming on to speak with us today. 

Lindsey: Well, thank you Aisha! It is a pleasure to be here and I’m excited and happy to share my short experience of motherhood so far. Yeah! Let’s do it. 

Aisha: So Lindsey you wanted to share your experience of how you found becoming a new mom and I’ll hand it over to you. Go ahead!

Lindsey: Even saying that I am a mom feels weird. I remember having Cooper’s first doctors appointment and when when they said “your son Cooper.” I thought “oh yea..a son.” It was just so crazy to have that terminology sink in and have it be connected to me. Also, I admire you immediately that you have 3 children.  I have survived through 5 months with just 1. But I would say the biggest thing when preparing for your podcast and thinking about what I would want to share with people is that I focused so much on Cooper being born and getting to the birth. I was reading about the fourth trimester and thinking ok it will be hard. When Cooper was born, looking back on all of it, a new version of me was born too. That birth of motherhood and parenthood is so much more challenging and so much harder than I ever thought. I think for me it was putting really high expectations on myself. Having a baby is like a mirror into your strengths and weaknesses. It shows what I was really really good at- the super highs. And the lows that felt really low with what I struggled with. For me, my biggest struggles were control. Feeling like why isn’t Cooper sleeping now? Why isn’t he finishing a whole bottle? All of these things. I desperately wanted structure in my life and he rocked my world for about 8 weeks.

Aisha: It is really something that people focus on the baby when a baby is born and everything is about the baby. But you are right, the mother, the father, the parents are born and become a new person as well when they become parents.

Lindsey: Yes. I don’t want to sound too negative. It is so tricky. You are surrounded by all the Instagram and social media posts about what motherhood looks like and what having a baby looks like from movies and TV. So you have this construct in your head already that you don’t even know exists. That was really interesting for me too. The high expectations I put on myself on what a good mother looks like and what I should be doing and how I should be feeling. Those newborn photos of a baby on you and how happy you are. If I’m perfectly honest, I did not feel that. I felt that care and love for Cooper. But that weight of responsibility those first few days he was at home. Seeing this tiny human that we take to the paediatrician, making sure he is eating, making sure he is gaining weight. These massive responsibilities. It was pretty overwhelming. The first 8 weeks were so hard and I don’t think they are talked about nearly enough. 

Aisha: You also mentioned postpartum depression and anxiety. How did you feel that you experienced that as well?

Lindsey: Definitely. I can remember having some phone calls with family back home. We were in lockdown and living in Prague. Ed’s family in South Africa and England. My family is in Minnesota. So it was hard as well to try and connect with them. There are all these layers and with COVID. It was a doubling isolated feeling. I can remember calling my stepdad one day and I was sitting in the rocking chair with Cooper. I didn’t know anything about wake windows or sleep cycles. Everything was just a flood of overwhelming feelings and what to do. I would just cry. I would sit on the phone and I would cry to them and say I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m so lonely. I couldn’t see it but my stepdad said “Linds, you need to talk to someone. I have never seen you like this before.” I think that hit me pretty heavy like whoa..maybe this is depression. It is hard to admit it and say it out loud. But I would say I definitely went through a period of time after Cooper was born where I would just cry. It was definitely beyond the baby blues. Even the first time we had to take him to the paediatrician. He was struggling to eat well and latch and all those things. He had a tiny bit of blood in his diaper and I started to hyperventilate. I was tired. I had gone through a C-Section. All these things that you look back on and think “oh my god” that was a lot for people to go through. 

Aisha: Yes, that is a lot for someone to deal with. Also like you said, being completely isolated from your close family. That must have been extra hard. Having a baby is a whole life changing experience anyway and not being able to rely on support of the people that are close to you because of this current situation because of the pandemic. Having to do all that on your own. Rely on their support from a distance. That is really hard.

Lindsey: Having said that though, I am kind of where the storm has passed. We are finding routine. I am feeling a bit more like me again. During that time I was really overwhelmed by the amount of people that if I had reached out. I’m kind of an over-sharer so with friends I would say “I think I’m depressed right now, I’m having a really hard time and I cry a lot.” I felt so much support here from friends. It was crazy. Even before and after Cooper was born, people brought meals over for us everyday. People would give cards and small gifts. Colleagues that I don’t even know super well baked cookies for us. It was this “wow” feeling and it made me feel like I need to do this for people more. When people start giving to you when you really need it. I have really made a point now to make sure I pay it forward and that I’m here for people who have a baby or don’t. People who just need that little extra support.

Aisha: You also mentioned that you felt this respect for parents or people that become parents. I think that is also apart of it. Supporting them and showing them that respect for what they are doing by bringing a new human life into the world. How important it is for them to focus on that and having someone to look after you as a new mother or parent. 

Lindsey: Absolutely. That was my other thing…even when I was pregnant I remember seeing moms or dads with their strollers/prams pushing kids. I would think “how did all these people do this?” You knew it is there and it is happening but both Ed and I talked openly about how selfish we have been. Not in a bad way. We have just had our own time and our own freedom. Even the other day we said about how a lot of people say “I can’t remember my life before kids” and I’m like REALLY? I definitely can! But I don’t want to imagine it now without Cooper. I do think about the freedom and the time you had before you had a baby. 

Aisha: Yes. but then that is it. Then you’ve got something else so precious. You wanted to talk about what sort of things you liked doing before you had a baby, before you become a mom, and what you do now. Or how you feel about those things now. 

Lindsey: Yes, I thought about this for a while. Wondering what parents go through and what do they like to do that now that they have a baby has completely changed. For me, I used to love cooking dinner. I would love to stand in the kitchen, put a podcast on or music, and make a new recipe. I would have a full hour, took my time and prepared this lovely meal. Now the thought of having to make dinner brings me anxiety. I don’t want to think about it. We try to plan meals more. It is just another thing you have to do in the day. Also, taking a shower. I love it and I used to really enjoy it but now it is just a time sucker as well. I try to figure out…maybe I can go 3 days without a shower or I can do it at night on this day. It is time consuming but when you do have time it is the best thing ever!

Aisha: It literally becomes something you have to plan for. “Ok so my boyfriend will be home then…we will have half an hour here and here….maybe I can jump in the shower then and be ready for the rest of the day.” You have to really really plan for things that you normally just did without taking a second thought. 

Lindsey: Definitely.

Aisha: Do you have any confessions? Mom confessions or funny stories that you would like to share with us?

Lindsey: I have one experience that is kind of embarrassing and I was contemplating sharing it. But I thought you have to be honest and throw it all out there. It has to do with pumping. I had a problem with Cooper latching because I had oversupply so I would have to pump my boobs and then he would latch on after to feed.  So I thought “ok forget about latching on after. I am going to just be a pumper. It is easier.” Now I regret it because pumping is a lot of work. For the longest time, for the first 8 weeks, Cooper was colicky and was unconsolable. We thought “crap we have a colicky baby.” Night after night I would sit in the bathroom with the lights off, put him on the boob and that would be the only thing that calmed him down. One day, I was chatting with a friend of mine who was visiting and we were talking about pumping and looking at the parts. She asked me “Girlfriend, you do clean that right?” I thought “what do you mean? Uhhh…no… I have never cleaned it.” I would wipe the funnel part with a cloth and would sit it down after I pumped. I did this for maybe 7 or 8 weeks.  I was scared to take it apart for some reason. In my foggy 4th trimester brain I would think what if I can’t put it back together and I won’t be able to pump my boobs and he won’t be able to eat? It made no sense at all. My logic wasn’t there. It was ridiculous. So I kind of took it apart and white chunks of crusty sour milk came crumbling out of the pump. I thought “oh my god” I have been feeding my child and sour milk has been pumping through this for 7 or 8 weeks. After 2-3 days and after I kept thoroughly cleaning, he was fine. I was googling cleaning pump parts and blogs. Women were saying “I sterilise it and put it in clean tupperware containers in the fridge so it can be extra clean.” I thought “oh my god I kept mine of the couch for 7 weeks.” That is my mom confession. Sorry Cooper! But he survived!

Aisha: He survived and you learned to clean your pump! Is there anything else you’d like to say to parents out there listening?

Lindsey: I don’t have any advice. I was talking to a friend of mine back home and sharing that I was having a tough week. Feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing and that I’m not a good mom sometimes. She instinctively said “nobody knows what they are doing. What are you worried about? We are just figuring it out as we go and doing the best we can and giving the most love to everyone that we can.” That resonated with me. That’s right. We are just figuring it out and doing the best we can.

Aisha: Like you said you are becoming a new person so you are figuring out how to be that person together with your little human.

Lindsey: Yes, that is it.

Aisha: Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

Lindsey: Sure, thanks for having me!

That is all from me today. Thank you for being here and for showing up for your children. I hope this was helpful and I’ll see you in the next episode. We are all in this together and we have got this!