02 – Tell me what’s going on

Welcome to Trusting Children Podcast Episode 2. I’m Aisha your host, mum of 3, a former early years teacher and talking about early childhood development is one of my favourite things to do. I started this podcast to support parents respectfully navigating the ups and downs of parenthood. Thanks for taking the time to be here with me today.

Have you ever thought about the way you communicate with your child? If you’re wondering why it’s important to make an effort to communicate with our children and want some easy to follow ideas on how to start, this episode is for you.

Communication is a huuuuge topic, and in this episode we are specifically going to focus on communicating with our children about what is happening or going to happen. By the end of this episode you will understand why we should do this and how beneficial this is going to be for you and your child and you will have a clear idea on how to do this.

Hi everyone, I hope you are all well and you’ve had a good day or morning, depending on when you’re listening. I woke up to one of my twins standing next to my bed and taking his pooey nappy off right there. That made me spring out of bed in a flash, I can’t think of anything else that would get me moving that quickly at 6am.

Let’s talk about communicating. Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship and that includes the relationship we have with our children. I would go so far as to say that a relationship cannot exist without communication. Imagine your best friend, what would it be like if you never communicated with them? Imagine your life partner, what would your life look like if you didn’t communicate? Communicating with our children is equally as important as this is the foundation on which we start building our relationship with them, from the day they are born. Of course we talk to our children all the time and we are communicating with them all the time. But today I’d like to really focus on one specific aspect of that and it’s to intentionally make an effort to tell our child what is about to happen in order to prepare them for it.

Why should we do this, why is this important? First of, it’s an incredibly easy way to start talking to your newborn baby. When we get back home from the hospital, look at this tiny little being in our arms and think what on earth am I supposed to be saying to you? We have this benchmark of 30,000 words looming over us to ensure our babies’ language develops optimally, but how are we supposed to even get close to that, WHAT are we supposed to say? We can tell you about the movie I watched, I can tell you all the gossip about my friends, I can tell you about the universe. That’s all valid and if you’re a chatty person and like chatting away to your baby that’s absolutely fine, but if you don’t do that it’s also very much OK. Because the best way to start connecting and meaningfully communicating with your baby is by telling them what is going on with THEM. Purposeful and authentic communication is way more valuable than random 30,000 words. And to babies and young children, if it’s not related to them…it is random. Children absorb language as a whole, we do not need to teach them words out of context. When we honestly and truly communicate about real things that are relevant to them it provides the most natural way for your baby to learn language. Children are incredible learners, and the best learning occurs when something is meaningful to them, they will very quickly pick up that what you are saying is meant for them. Communicating in this way creates a comfortable and honest relationship in which discussing events and emotions is completely natural. I am going to give some examples differentiated by age in a short while, so keep listening.

Another benefit of getting into this habit is it will be a huuuuge help when you have a toddler. Often our toddler’s strong emotional outbursts occur when they are not prepared, when something happens suddenly, takes them by surprise, when they aren’t sure what to expect. If you are in the habit of telling your baby what’s going on, then by the time they are a toddler you will both be experts at this. It will come naturally to you and in turn your toddler will always know that what you say, will happen, they will know what to expect. This information, this preparation allows them to process the event and mentally prepare for the transition. It can really help minimise surprises and ultimately tantrums.

Then when your child is a teenager, communication will be absolutely VITAL for you to maintain a relationship of trust. When they have worries, fears, problems, hurts as they no doubt will, you will want your child to come to you not shut away from you.

Ok, so I hope I’ve convinced you that it is important, so let’s look at HOW we can do this. RIE methodology, Magda Gerbers philosophy, advocates that we should even tell young babies when we are going to touch or move them. This might seem silly, but to your newborn baby your hands are their whole world. They have to be moved, touched, manipulated. So preparing them for this and telling them about it is the first step of showing them that we respect them as a human being. And it really doesn’t take long, it’s 3-5 seconds of your time and can make a big difference. Before we pick our baby up we can look at them and tell them “Hi, I’m going to pick you up now.” You might do this as you are reaching for your baby. They will see you and begin to understand this cue. 

Now I have to interject here, because this is really important. I want you to remember that communication is a two-way process. We talk AND we listen to the response. So a crucial element of this is giving our babies and children time to respond. At first these responses will be non-verbal. When we wait and observe (episode 1, I told you I’ll keep referring back to it) when we wait and observe we will begin to notice and learn our babies non-verbal responses. One of my twins would tense his belly and lift up one arm when I told him I was going to lift him up. That was his way of saying “I’m ready.” It might be that your baby looks at you, when they are a little older they might raise their head slightly or stretch their arms out towards you. The important thing is that we give them time and respect .

When you’re placing them down, you do the same. Have you ever thought about how a baby must feel when they are snuggled up warm in your arms and then suddenly find themselves on a mat? Look into their eyes and tell them as you are lowering them down: “I am going to lay you down here for 2 minutes while I get a drink. I will be back shortly.” Don’t be afraid to be honest. I totally understand, that at first this does seem strange, it did to me. But remember we are trying to build a lifelong habit of authentic communication that will help us with our toddlers and teens. You will eventually get used to it and it will become second nature to you.

We can talk our babies while we dress them. “I’m going to put this ooooover your head now, oh! Peekaboo!” We can of course still be playful in all this, there’s no reason why not to. Now I need to put this arm through” and you can gently touch their arm, while you’re saying it. I would slide my hand down their arm as I was saying it and then place it into the sleeve. They will eventually also learn to lift their arm or leg up if you allow them to be involved in this process. Same goes for nappy changes. Give them time to respond and you will soon see how involved in the process they are. “I am going to take your nappy off now. (For an older child: Would you like to open the straps?) I am going to wipe you now, can you pass me the wipes? Oh I see, you are wriggling you want to be on your tummy. (wait a while) I am going to turn you over onto your back again so I can put your clean nappy on. I need you to lift your leg up, oh thank you!” There’s no rush this is an excellent opportunity to connect and communicate.

Eventually your baby will start babbling back at you. Babbling IS communicating, they are having a conversation with us! Even though we cannot understand what they are saying we can show them that we are listening to them, that we respect what they are saying, this in turn teaches them how to listen to us. Oh wow, you are saying a lot today. I know, I was supposed to put your socks on and I forgot to bring them!  I really love this quote about babbling by Janet Lansbury: “When we listen to and respect these early attempts at communication, children feel encouraged to keep talking. They’ll sense that their most random thoughts, feelings and ideas are welcome to our ears.” Isn’t that what we want our children to feel? Slow down and be patient and enjoy talking to your baby.

Let’s think about a toddler scenario. This could be getting into the car seat or pushchair. We can say this: “After we have put your shoes on I am going to put you in your pushchair. Ok, your shoes are on I will pick you up now and put you in your pushchair. I need to put this arm into the strap. Now I need this arm, thank you.” Again you can give them an extra sensory input by gently touching whichever arm you need…they might start putting it in themselves. Remember with toddlers, preparing them for a change or transition can be so extremely helpful. “After we have finished dinner I am going to take you up for a bath.” Then repeat again when it’s time “we have finished dinner, I am going to take you up for a bath now” or “after we have finished dinner we are going to say goodbye to Grandma and go home.”

Even with an older child, this is still a great habit to get into. With my 4 year old, I still tell her about any changes, transitions that are going to happen. The instructions get more complex, but the idea is the same. “When you have finished reading this book we are going to tidy up the toys and get ready for bed” and then repeat when it’s time. “OK, you have finished reading this book lets tidy up the toys and get ready for bed.” Or “When this episode is finished I am going to switch the screen off.” And then repeat when it’s time. “I can see the episode has finished I am going to switch the screen off now.”

I hope this has given you an idea of why we should prepare our children for what’s going on and how to do it. Does this mean you have to narrate every single nappy change or every single time you get them dressed? Of course not. The key is to be AWARE of it. Of course, you will have days when you don’t feel like talking, even to your baby and that’s absolutely fine. It’s important to be genuine, to be authentic. But if you are conscious of it and try to do it when possible and build it into your normal routine you will see that even on the days that you don’t say the actual words your child will respond to your actions. If that one time you don’t tell your baby you are picking them up but they see your face and your arms coming towards them, they will know what’s going on. Being intentional about it, slowing down and being aware that this does help and does make a difference is the most important thing I want you to take away from today.

Communicating with our children is such a vast topic, and we will be covering more on this throughout the podcast. It is really intertwined with all other aspects of parenting. For Today we are concentrating on this simple, easy way to talk to our children. Are you ready to give it a go? I’d like you to choose 2 separate occasions to communicate with your child authentically on what’s about to happen. This can be planned or could come about naturally during your day. Did you notice a response? Was it verbal or non-verbal? Let me know how it goes. You can always send me an email or find me on Instagram and share your experience with me. I always LOVE hearing from parents.

If you go to my website www.trustingchildren.com you will be able to download a short reminder sheet that goes with this episode. 

That’s all from me today, thank you for sharing your time with me today. I hope it was useful, I’ll see you in the next episode. We’re all in this together and we have got this!