Being a parent can sometimes feel lonely. Being a gentle and respectful parent, even more so because not everyone understands what we are doing. This causes us to question or doubt ourselves.
Hi, I am Aisha. I am an early childhood specialist and parent coach. I am here to give you a big confidence boost and empower you to believe that you really are the best parent for your child.
I am a mom of 3 young children, so when I say “I get you” I really mean I get you. Join me on this messy, raw, and realistic journey of exploring what it means to be a gentle and respectful parent and why it matters. I truly believe that we are changing the world by raising a better generation of humans. So grab your favourite drink and come hang out with me.
Hello everybody and welcome back to Trusting Children podcast. It’s been such a long time. I think we can safely call this season 2. So welcome to season 2! I am really happy to be here recording again and connecting with you. I am Aisha Nayyar, your host, and I am an Early Childhood specialist. I work with parents of toddlers and young children to help you and guide you through these sometimes tumultuous years but of course years that are so important in your child’s development.
So welcome back once again! I thought that we could kick off this season with an episode about gentle discipline and what gentle discipline actually is. Why does it work? How do we as parents implement it in our day to day lives? It’s about switching our mindsets from control towards connection. Yes, that sounds really easy. But how do we do it when we have little people, little humans, living with us everyday? So we will talk about what gentle discipline is and how we can do this starting with connection and leading with connection. Then we will talk about what it looks like in practice and in real-life in the heat of the moment when your child is screaming or about to throw something dangerous and breakable. How do we implement gentle discipline in those moments?
So first off, I want you to take a few seconds to think about when you hear the word “discipline” what is the first thing that pops into your mind? What sort of thoughts or image do you have or understanding of what discipline is? I feel this word has been taken and really twisted and turned and ringed, and done all sorts of things to it. When we hear discipline, I feel, that we automatically go to places like punishments, time outs, taking away privileges, and consequences. Basically, different types of forms of controlling our children to make them do what we want. If a child is not obeying what the adult is saying or if the child is not listening then we have this picture that this child is “undisciplined.” Discipline is focused on controlling the child and stopping the behaviour. In some way, making our child aware that what they did or their behaviour that we observed is wrong. We do not approve of it and we do not accept it and they shouldn’t be doing it. This is kind of what we want to teach them. Right? We want to teach them to be responsible and kind and caring people but we need to go about it in a very different way.
I want to go back to the very origin of the word discipline. It comes from the word disciplina in Latin which means to teach. Also, a disciple is a pupil or a student. When we are thinking about disciple in the traditional sense of imposing punishments and consequences, etc. What really is the purpose of it? When we see our child misbehaving. When I say “misbehaving” I don’t mean that the child is bad or doing something bad. I mean that they are behaving or the actions that they are doing don’t match the expectations that we are putting on them in that situation as adults or society as a whole. So misbehaving in the kind of sense that children are not doing what we expect them to be doing. Most likely they are behaving in the exact way that is appropriate for their development but we can sometimes see that as misbehaving because it doesn’t match what we expect of them.
Going back to my original thought- what is the purpose of discipling them? Do we really want to just impose a punishment and make them feel bad about what they are doing? Or do we actually want to teach them that this behaviour is not acceptable or this behaviour is not appropriate? Really think about it deep down. I feel like often adults use these methods of taking away a privilege or threatening or punishing with the purpose or the thinking that i am going to teach this child a lesson. I’m going to teach them that this behaviour is not ok by sending them into time out or by punishing them. The reality is that human beings do not learn from hurt. Children do not learn from pain. We know this by decades of research. Human beings learn when we are in a safe and secure place- a responsive state. We do not learn anything when we are under stress, under pressure or in a reactive fight, flight or freeze state. That is basically what punishments and consequences and threats do to our brains. They put our brains in that defensive and reactive states. These are not moments that we can learning anything. Both adults and children. We can not take in new information because the only focus of our brains and our nervous system is trying to find safety and getting us back to safety. Wether it is physical or emotional safety. That is the only focus so there is no way that your child, when they are feeling threatened or punished or scared, there is no way they will be learning anything in that moment.
I will tell you a little story about a situation I had with my children the other day. My 5 year old daughter took a toy that one of the twins wanted. He started getting very very upset and she could see that he was upset but she was holding onto it. In my head I started feeling frustrated, she knows he wants it and yet she is still choosing to hold onto it. So I started thinking I wanted to teach her a lesson about how it feels to have something taken away that you really want. So I said to her “how would you feel if you really really really wanted to wear this dress (and I grabbed a dress from her dresser) and I took it away from you?” In that split second, the look of fear, terror, horror, and disappointment on her face completely threw me off my tracks which was a good thing because I was going down this traditional path of teaching them a lesson by making them feel bad. That threw me. I thought “what am i doing??” and that prompted me to completely flip and change what I wanted to say and what I was about to say to the complete opposite. Imagine if I then said to you “here, I found this dress for you, here you go” and I passed it to her and her face lit up. I realised that we do not learn from hurt.
Adults think if I make this child feel bad for what they did then they are going to learn the lesson and they are going to learn how it feels when someone does something like that to me and they will remember it forever because of how bad they felt in that moment. It is the complete opposite. We learn when we are safe and we learn from love. We do not learn from hurt or pain, we learn from love. When I showed her how nice it feels when you really want something and I give it to you then she took her time but eventually she gave the toy back to her bother.
Now, if we what we really want to do is teach the child that throwing a cup of water because they didn’t like the colour of it is not ok. Or hitting an older sibling because they want a toy that they are holding is not ok. Then we need to try to redefine discipline and reclaim its original meaning which is to teach. So if you imagine a child who has thrown their cup of water on the floor because it is the wrong colour. If we start to introduce this traditional sense of discipline and we start telling them off or threatening them with a time out or a naughty step or whatever. They are going into a reactive state of fight, flight or freeze. They do not feel safe in that moment so they are not going to learn if we are shouting at them in a threatening voice “You shouldn’t have thrown this cup on the floor” “you’re going in a time out if you do it again” blah blah blah they are not taking in that information. If we can take a step back, and take a couple of second pause and think what do I want from this moment? What do I want my child to learn from this moment? I want them to learning that throwing their cup of water on the floor is not ok. So how can I do this? We can realise that they probably have thrown it because they are already feeling somewhat frustrated or upset or surprised by the colour that they hadn’t been expecting. So we need to bring them back into a safe and secure state where they are responsive to what we are saying and we do this through connection.
When we can connect then we can calm their nervous system down and make sure they are feeling safe. That is when we can teach. When you are being yelled at or shamed or punished, that is not a moment when you are being receptive to somebody that is speaking to you. If you imagine at work and you had made a mistake in the monthly report that you sent your boss and they come into your room and start yelling at you or calling you stupid or asking how you could make this mistake or miss this? How are you going to feel? Are you really going to respect and appreciate what they are saying? Or are you going to shut down? Probably if you continue to work there you will always be in a state of really high stress or you probably would leave. In contrast, if your boss came to you and said look “I know you have been stressed recently or your baby isn’t sleeping and I just found a small mistake in the report so could you redo it?” I bet you would happily correct your mistake because they have treated you like a human and have asked you.
Of course, it is a little different with children because they are still developing and there are so many different factors that go in. We are building this path and we are building this foundation of the relationship that we have with them. This kind of communication and this respectful human to human communication is forming. We go back to connecting and seeing their emotions and hearing what they have to say. If needed, co-regulating with them and helping to calm their nervous systems down and being them back to that state of security and safety. Maybe this might last a few minutes or maybe the teaching moment needs to come the next day or in a couple of hours. We teach when they are receptive and when they are in a state where they can receive the information.
I know that sometimes it is easy to say to just connect with your child but there are times that we are parents feel frustrated with what they have done. How do we do this? How do we bring ourselves to connect with our little human who let’s say has just hit you on the face? How do you feel when you have been hit on the face by your child? We need to acknowledge our feelings at the same time. We need to take a step back and see that our feelings also matter. We might feel disappointed or disrespected or we might feel we are failing as a parent because they hit us. Acknowledge all those feelings but then look at your child and look beyond that behaviour. Remember that behaviour is always a message and behaviour is your child saying to you that something is going on and I need help. When we see behaviour in that way we can detach our lovely little person that we love with all our heart from the thing that they have done- hit us in the face. They are not a bad child but they are having a hard time in this moment. We can start looking at why did our child act this way. I know they aren’t a bad child and they love me but why did they hit me in the face? What do I want to teach in this moment? I want to teach them that hitting me is not ok and I don’t like it because it hurts. How can I best do it?
These are the 3 questions when you come across a behaviour. Why? What? How?
Why did they act this way? What do I want to teach them in this moment? How best can I do it?
Remember that human beings do not learn from hurt. When we feel hurt or feel threatened or feel shamed we are not going to learn anything. Let’s dissect those 3 questions.
Why did our child act this way? Why did they hit me in the face? Maybe you noticed that they have been up for a while and it is well past their nap time. Or maybe they feel hungry and is coming up on lunch time. Or maybe they have been at daycare or with a babysitter for a long time and they feel they need to connect with you more. You need to look for reasons of why this has happened. It is not because they hate or are a bad child. There is always several reasons behind a behaviour so be curious about it.
What do I want to teach them in this moment? Well I want them to learn that hitting me or hitting anybody is not ok and that it hurts.
The final question is how. How do I teach them this? How can they learn this best? This could be a moment where you set a boundary or put a limit in place that I won’t let you hit me. Then model gentle interactions and how to be gentle with another person. Maybe they want to ask you for something so model holding your hand and leading you and asking “what did you need” or “what did you want to show me?” Giving them the skills or the words to communicate the need that they need in that moment.
When we come from a place of wanting to control our children and we have these expectations that we can control them. This automatically sets everybody up for failure. We can not control another human being. We can only control ourselves and our responses. This is where a lot of power struggles begin because we feel like we want to or need to control our child or their behaviour. Of course, they do not want to be controlled so this power struggle ensues. The place that we come from is very behaviour focused and we are focusing on what they are doing and we are trying to control what they are doing. If we come from a place of connection, we kind of move away from the idea that this is an us against them scenario and we remember that we are on their team. We are showing them that we are on their team and we are here to help them solve this problem. Whatever it is that has caused them to do this behaviour, we are here to help. Instead of being behaviour focused, this becomes solution focused. By being on their side, by being curious about what is happening, we can help them to find a solution for what they were trying to express.
Let’s think of some examples. Your child keeps spilling your shampoo out. Every time they get in the bath they grab your shampoo bottle and squeeze it out. How could we in this situation switch from a control and behaviour focused attitude towards a connection and solution focused one?
I will give you a few seconds to think about it. You can pause the podcast if you want to have a moment of reflecting. Ok I will share my thoughts with you now.
Let’s say a control behaviour focused reaction or response from us would be trying to get them to stop taking my shampoo bottle. I would take it out of their hands and put it back or maybe threatening. “If you squeeze my shampoo bottle again then bath time is over” or “if you squeeze my bottle again then you won’t have a bed time story.” So we are really trying to control them and their actions and what they are doing. In fact, we can’t. Sorry to be so blunt but it is true. If we come from a connect and solution focused approach, so we connect with them and say “Yea, it is really fun to squeeze that shampoo and it makes a really funny squirting noise and you’re using your hands and muscles and it feels really good when you have loads of shampoo in your hands and it’s squishy and slimy.” Then you need to find a solution. “This is my shampoo and I need to wash my hair later so if you squeeze it all out then I won’t have any. So what can we do to help you stop doing this?” Maybe in order to follow through with that boundary you might gently place your hand over their hand that is holding the bottle to prevent them from squeezing out anymore. Maybe they will stop or hand you the bottle because they don’t feel threatened in that moment. They are more inclined to cooperate with you. “How about you put it up here on the shelf for me?” or if they hand you the bottle “I’m going to put it up here on the shelf so I have some shampoo left.” There are no threats, no punishments, and there is no expectations of us wanting to control it. We found a solution. Our shampoo bottle is safe and our connection and relationship have been preserved. They can carry on with their bath and the problem has been solved.
Ok what about an older child? Your child keeps forgetting to do their homework. From a control behaviour focused approach, we might say something like “if you don’t do your homework again then I will take your iPad away” or “if you forget to do your homework again then you will be grounded for a week” or some kind of unrelated punishment where you are trying to control them and trying to control their lives. It just sets everyone up for failure. What about a connection solution focused approach? “I know it is sometimes really hard to remember things. Do you know what I often forget about deadlines and then it is really stressful to have to do it really quickly and I probably don’t do it as well as I could have done if i had remembered about it earlier. What could we do to help you remember to do your homework everyday?” So we are sharing our experience with them and normalising it and letting them know there is nothing wrong with them. Everyone forgets things sometimes, including us, but we need to come up with a solution to help them remember. You then invite them into a conversation and the solution comes from them so in turn they are much more likely to remember it and do it. It doesn’t mean that we can never remind them again or will never have to remind them again. Of course, we are there to support them but we will always have that conversation to refer back to.
Just want to have a quick comparison, coming from that place of control, using fear, using shame, using bribes or using threats- we can get compliance from them. Often you will get compliance from your child and this is the immediate short term result. However, I would invite you to think at what cost does this compliance come? What about the relationship that you are building with them? What about the open and honest communication channels that you are crumbling and crushing. Withdrawing our love, that is our child’s greatest fear so if we are or even pretend to be really mad or that we don’t like them anymore or don’t love them anymore. That is the child’s greatest fear and putting them in that state becomes a fight, flight, or freeze response. It turns their nervous system into producing all types of stress responses. That will cause the behaviour and emotions to escalate.
If you can image your child has done something and you send them to time out or to their room, often their emotions are going to escalate in that moment. They might start screaming even louder, thrashing, throwing or kicking because they are afraid that you are withdrawing your love from them. But when we come from connection and are empathetic to what they are going through and validating their emotions and validating them as a human being, and then involving them in the problem solving process. This is getting some type of co-operation from them and sometimes it happens not every time but as they get older and we are building this relationship of connection and we are building this willingness to cooperate and at the same time we are teaching them to be responsible for their things and their positions. We are helping and modelling how to take care of them. Instead of saying, “what are all these toys on the floor doing? I’m going to put them in a bin bag and throw them in the bag” you can say “whoa I can see there are loads of toys on the floor and they might get stepped on and break or kicked under the sofa and get lost or the case in our house they might get taken by a dog and get chewed up.” So immediately my kids will say they don’t want their toys to break or get lost or chewed up and they will come and pick them up. You can help them in that process. Or lets say your child is spilling water on the floor and instead of saying “stop spilling that water right now or I’m going to take it away from you” you could say “that is making the floor really slippery and I would like to carry on playing but I don’t want water on the floor because it is not safe and I don’t want someone to slip so what could we do about that?” Invite them because they might help you clean up or they might carry on playing but either way you are modelling how we look after our home and how we are keeping everyone safe.
Let’s think of an older child example, instead of saying “oh no you have watched so much screen time today so no more phone for 3 days.” This immediately puts them in a position of anger, fear, and all feelings that come up that can cause the behaviour to escalate or cause the emotions to escalate. Instead you can say “I noticed you have been watching your screen a lot today and it really isn’t healthy so can we come up with a solution that works for both of us? What can we do to control your screen usage?” You are inviting them into the conversation. I know it isn’t always easy to meet our children’s resistance and refusals with a calm presence but think about it… How do you feel when someone comes in and demands something from you and tells you that you must do this right now or else?! How likely are you to cooperate in that situation? Going back to that work and boss scenario. How likely are you to cooperate if somebody comes and has an honest and authentic conversation with you?
When both us and our children are feeling angry or frustrated, both of our nervous systems are heading towards that panic and survival and we are both in a reactive state. This is recipe for an argument and power struggle no matter what age your child is. But if we can remind ourselves to take a breathe, take a break, and break that reactive cycle. It is our role. At the end of the day we are the adult in this relationship and it is our role and responsibility to not meet their reactive with our reactive. We can take a minute to approach their reactivity with some kind of caring response. The power struggles, the arguments, that never solves the problem. It creates more problems and creates ruptures in our relationship and at the end of the day it doesn’t really move us closer to a solution.
A few last points that i would like to remind everyone of is that when we are disciplining in a loving and caring way, maybe we will hear family members or friends or other people saying that you’re making a rod for your own back, they are going to wrap you around their little finger. You are going to have a spoiled child, you can not spoil a child with love and connection. We are providing and meeting their basic human needs. I’m going to say it again because it is so important. You can not spoil a child with love and connection. What we are doing is we are helping them grow up in a such a loving and secure environment. They are having secure attachment with an adult they can trust and knowing they can always get what they need. Not necessarily what they want because those are 2 different things. They might want 5 hours of screen time but we are not going to give them what they want but we are going to give them what they need. We are going to meet their basic needs and support them through any difficulties they face including difficult emotions. We are going to give them a loving and caring caregiver and a secure and unconditional relationship with us. We are going to give them a safe environment to grow up in with boundaries and connections and we are validating their emotions. This means that they have a safe space to express their emotions knowing whatever they are feeling will be met with acceptance and support. We don’t have to indulge. We can still have boundaries while we are connecting and comforting and responding to their needs. Boundaries and connection work really well together you can have a boundary while you are connecting with your kid.
When we do mess up and we have a situation where we lost it or we introduced a punishment or threat it is ok, we are all human, we have our own emotions that we need to process. Sometimes we can catch ourselves in the moment like with the story I told you earlier with my daughter. I had the feeling I needed to teach her this lesson and realised I was going about it the wrong way and I corrected myself in the moment. Other times we can do a repair or rewind or do-over. Let’s say your child was on the screen for too long and you got really mad at them and snatched the screen away and locked it away in the cupboard. It is ok to come back to them and say “that really wasn’t a very nice thing of me to do to you and I wouldn’t have liked it if someone snatched my phone out of my hand so here is your phone back and let’s find a solution together to help you build some healthy screen time boundaries.” With your toddler, let’s say you sent them to their room or time out and they are really upset and get even more upset so you can come back in and say “I’m really sorry, I didn’t want to react this way” and you can connect with them and ask “do you want a hug?.” Once you have connected, and regulated then you can go back to that teaching moment.
I hope this has given you more of an idea of what gentle discipline means and how powerful connection can be.
Thanks so much for joining me on this episode and sharing your time with me. If you enjoyed the show please take a minute to leave a rating and review. It really means so much and makes a huge difference in getting the podcast out in front of other parents who might find it helpful.
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