As parents we often put unimaginable pressure on ourselves. We feel like we have to do it all and then when we can’t we feel like we are failing. We get so caught up in looking after our children and often forget that we also need to look after ourselves. In this episode I speak to Nathalie Alvarado about re-connecting with our inner wisdom and really tuning into our own emotions and thoughts so that we can be fully aware when responding to our children.
If you want to know how to start this journey of inner-work in order to feel more connected and compassionate towards yourself then this episode is for you. Nathalie analyses the reasons we feel so much pressure as parents, and how to stop comparing ourselves to others and start focusing on our own strengths. She shares some ideas and tips on how to do this and also why it’s so important that we model these healthy beliefs and patterns to our children. Nathalie also shares her secret to help parents get to a place where you feel confident about the parent you are.
Welcome to trusting children podcast episode 12. I’m Aisha, your host. I’m a parent myself, I have 3 young children. Before becoming a mum, I used to work with young children in nurseries and schools. I love everything about early childhood development.
I created this podcast to share what I have learned with parents in short, informative episodes. Thank you for tuning in today and for listening.
Hello everyone and welcome! Today I’ve got another special guest interview. I’m going to be talking to Nathalie Alvarado. Nathalie is going to talk to us about how we as parents can learn to be kinder to ourselves and to trust ourselves more and believe in our skills as parents, being the best parents that we can for our children. Nathalie is a mindset and life coach for mums. She helps mums reclaim their energy and confidence as they create a purposeful life that they love. She herself is a single mum and a Montessori guide for upper elementary. Nathalie has worked at a Montessori school in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic for the past six years as a co-directress and now as a teacher. Her Montessori and positive parenting background combined with her passion for coaching, self-discovery and personal development allows her to guide mums to reconnect to their true selves, find some inner peace and feel empowered in parenting and in life. Hello Nathalie, welcome, it’s so nice to have you here!
Nathalie: Hello Aisha, thank you so much for inviting me.
Aisha: It’s a pleasure to talk to you. We’re going to talk about parenting, well-being and self confidence and finding ways to feel more connected because often nowadays in these, let’s say modern times, we have unimaginable pressures that are put on us from society, from social media but also that we put on ourselves. We feel like we have to do it all. And then when we can’t we feel like we’re failing. And you help parents to feel more connected to their children, but you do it through getting the parents to be more connected to themselves first. Would you be able to tell us why do you think parents nowadays feel so much pressure to be perfect and to do all these things the right way?
Nathalie: Yes, you know I think with so much information and new research being bombarded constantly at us as well as the rise of social media, like you mentioned, and this portrayal that we sometimes see of these perfect lives which is not really realistic so we start to see these 5 second videos or these pictures of children doing these perfect activities, these homes where there are no messes and we unconsciously start to compare ourselves with these people that we don’t even know, you know, we don’t even know apart from that snapshot or that short video how their lives truly are and since we have also become a little bit disconnected from ourselves, we are constantly seeking that outside input from other people so I think this really cause us to pressure ourselves, to pressure ourselves a lot. And there is a lot of shame around sharing our reality, around and a deep fear of being criticised, of being criticised even by our family members but also by these strangers who we believe have these perfect lives.
Aisha: Yes, that’s so true. Do you have any advice for parents, how could they try to, let’s say, block out some of this noise? What would say to help them worry less about these external pressures that are, like you said, placed by society, by social media, by families etc.? Nathalie: Yeah, so first of all we need to understand that we all have this inner voice, inner guidance, that when we actually listen to it, it often provides us with the best guidance in our lives. But, as a society, we’ve been conditioned to mute that inner wisdom and to always be seeking outside of us, to always look for external validation, you know, the traditional schooling system could have caused this, always looking for that validation from a grade or from an authority figure. Our own upbringing, if our ideas weren’t really taken seriously, maybe they weren’t well received, we were told ‘no’ a lot as a child. Then we learn to really not trust in our decisions and our own ideas. So, we really need to learn to connect back to that inner voice and it is there, it’s just buried under all of these distractions and opinions and this external input in our lives. So, we need to start developing this radical sense of self-awareness and self-compassion for ourselves. As well, taking what we see in the outside world and on social media with a grain of salt, not taking it as this full picture of perfection but knowing that everyone has their own struggles behind the scenes and thinking about ourselves; we are not sharing the tantrums, ha-ha, we are not sharing the difficult moments in our lives so it’s probable that other people aren’t as well. So, I think that if we feel constantly pressured, and finding ourselves constantly comparing ourselves I think that it’s a clear sign for a need to do deeper work. And understanding, where are these feelings coming from? Not just pushing these feelings to one side.
Some techniques that I love for this are journaling, it can really help us access that inner voice, mediation/mindfulness practice and simply sitting with those feelings, allowing those feelings to be and admitting, you know, I feel really frustrated right now, I feel really defeated, I feel like I’m not doing enough, and letting that sit for a while without the need to fix them or to feel happy or to fill us up with that instant gratification that we’re sometimes used to.
Aisha: Yes, that’s amazing. And it kind of leads into the next question that I prepared for you. What sort of inner work, where do we start to be able to get to a place where we feel this compassion towards ourselves and start feeling connected to our own needs and emotions. You mentioned journaling, is there anything else, any other sort of strategies to a person or a parent who is just starting this journey? What would your advice be, where would they start?
Nathalie: Yeah, so I think the first place we can start, to start building this connection with ourselves and that inner voice, is developing awareness around our thoughts and our emotions. A lot of time we’re walking around with all of this build up, a lot of emotions, a lot of thoughts, a lot of needs that haven’t been acknowledged. You know, we’re just keeping them buried down. So, a good a good practice is starting to observe, become an observer, an observer of your thoughts instead of immediately shutting your thoughts down or thinking that’s not a good idea or this emotion isn’t valid or let me look on Instagram, ha-ha, to see what I can, ha-ha…you know, start listening to yourself! It sounds so simple, but we don’t do it often enough. And a technique I really love to do, is when I have a thought and have this urge to shut it down or to look for this external validation, is to say to myself, ‘hmm, that’s really interesting. Right now, I’m thinking, this, this this’ and I repeat it to myself so I can really analyse like, ok this is what I’m thinking, this is what I’m feeling. And what I’m thinking right now, what I’m feeling, is completely valid, is completely ok. And from there, we actually feel seen, we feel heard and a lot of the times what we’re feeling, that pressure that we’re feeling just washes away. A lot of the times what we need is to feel acknowledged. A lot of the times we think, ‘I need to fix this emotion, I need to look for the solution immediately’ and a lot of the times what we’re missing is just actually seeing ourselves and acknowledging ourselves and telling ourselves, you know, ‘it’s fine’. As well, asking yourself on a daily basis, what do I need today to be the best version of myself I can be? For myself, for my child, for my partner, for people around me. And starting to give that to ourselves instead of always looking to please others and do things for others, starting to build in that practice of self-care, however that looks for you.
Aisha: That’s really beautiful and it reminds me, well all of the things that you’ve said about validating emotions and acknowledging and we strongly, strongly advocate that we all do this for our children but it’s so hard to then do the same for ourselves. And you’re right, the only person that can acknowledge and validate your own emotions and feelings is you and it needs to be you, it needs to be somebody and that’s enough. That’s a really, yeah, very interesting observation. Ha-ha. So why do you think it is so important that we take the time to do this inner work, that we try to face, you know, acknowledge these emotions and sit with them, like you said, how can that help us?
Nathalie: Well, obviously it’s important for our own mental health and our own inner peace but it’s really important for our children as well. During the ages of zero to seven our children’s brains are basically in a programming state so they are like walking sponges absorbing everything from their environment and it’s not only their external environment and if their shelf is organised and if they have the right activities, they’re always watching us and learning from us. And during this age, we actually absorb into our subconscious mind all of these thoughts and these patterns that we are repeating in our adult life. So, if our child is watching us and seeing that we don’t take care of ourselves, that we don’t have self-compassion, that we don’t know how to manage these emotions, what are they going to absorb from themselves? How are they going to play out this pattern later in their life and these patterns it has been proven how we choose our partners, how we make decisions, how we pursue our goals later in life. So, if we see it from that perspective, it is truly very important for us to do this mindset work so we can pass on healthy beliefs, healthy thoughts, healthy patterns to our children.
Aisha: Thank you. And you mentioned earlier this comparison that parents, well people, fall into – this trap of browsing social media and starting to compare and look at all the other people’s snapshots of their perfect snapshots. How can we try and focus our own strengths to sort of challenge this comparison and focus on our own strengths and abilities?
Nathalie: So, I see a lot of the times with my clients and myself that sometimes when we start comparing ourselves it’s because we actually don’t know ourselves. So, actually taking the time to getting to know yourself, to know who are you, what do you like, what do you do well, what do you dislike, what triggers you? And taking the time to do that, some of the tools we can use are again connecting with that inner voice, learning to spend time with ourselves, and there are a lot of tools nowadays as well such as human design and the Enneagram and Myers Briggs that can help us understand who we are and what our strengths are but then also celebrating those strengths instead of watch on social media another mom do this amazing meal for their children and we beating ourselves up because we don’t know how to cook, maybe you’re a great dancer and love to dance with your children, or maybe you love the outdoors and that’s what you’re always doing, or maybe you have these amazing conversations with them, and just celebrating that and I always say that we have the child that we need and our child has the exact parent that they need. Like, there are no mistakes here, there are no coincidences, so really homing in on that and only that.
Aisha: That’s so beautiful, I love that. Again, we always talk about how we are the parent that our children need but again it works both ways exactly as you said. So, you said that you had a secret. What is your secret? How can parents get to a place where they can feel confident about themselves and the parenting decisions that they make for their child and their family?
Nathalie: Yeah, ha-ha, so I think nowadays a lot of parents want to educate themselves and that is amazing but the secret here is mixing and matching what we learn until we create our unique, our own amazing parenting style that is right for us and is right for our children. If we love Montessori, we love positive parenting but, hey, we also love some elements from Waldorf and from RIE, you know why not take a little bit of all those philosophies and mix it up with our own values, mix it up with our own personality and make, create that parenting style that really works for us, for our own child. I see that parenting trap that a lot of parents fall into, and it’s wanting to follow this philosophy, this method in this very strict way and that sets them up for a lot of frustration because we cannot follow anything perfectly. So, learning to take everything you learn with a grain of salt and asking yourselves is this going to work for me, is this going to work for my child. Try it out and if it doesn’t, not being afraid to go back and maybe prune out some of the things that aren’t working for you. You don’t have to continue doing something if it’s not working for you, even if it’s trendy on social media, you do not have to continue doing it. And yeah, as I said before, developing that self-trust, that you have the wisdom and guidance that you need to be the best parent for your child.
Aisha: Yeah, I definitely was that parent as well when my daughter was born, I was fascinated by all these theories and read so much, and then did exactly that. I was reading books, I was looking at social media and all these babies that were doing these things and then, yeah just getting extremely, not just frustrated but just sort of really down and doubting my skills as a parent, like am I doing something wrong, something wrong with me, something wrong with my child, you know, why is my daughter not doing – why is my baby not doing these things when she was only a few months old and it took my a while, like I must say, it took me a while like probably a couple of years to realise that actually I don’t need to follow the book, like I can be inspired by the book, I can take what I’ve learned from the book and I can make it my own and I can adapt it to my needs and my daughter’s needs so it’s definitely a place that I’ve been in and I totally agree and understand. But I also would say, you know, if you are in the place, then don’t beat yourself up about that, because it’s very easy to fall into that trap and it’s good to have people like Nathalie to help you point out that it doesn’t have to be that way and it’d ok to take what works for you from different philosophies. Thank you, thanks so much for that.
I’d like to ask you about parental guilt, or mum guilt. I think that’s quite a big feeling amongst new parents or parents in general and it ties into everything you’ve said, you know, this image of perfection, these expectations and this pressure. When as a parent you start falling into this spiral of guilt, how would you combat that, how would you stop it from taking over your mind and your self-esteem? And how could you sort of come out from it on the other side?
Nathalie: Yeah, ha-ha. So, I once heard that our brain also needs maintenance. So, it’s an organ, it’s part of our body. So, we need to create a ritual or routine that works for us that allows us to come back and to clean out any thoughts, weed out any beliefs that aren’t serving us. So if we see that we’re falling into this cycle of we go through a hard day, we do something that maybe, you know, we weren’t expecting, our toddler had like ten tantrums and we just lost it, it happens to all of us and we’re feeling really guilty, we’re beating ourselves up about it and this is turning into a cycle…what I would recommend is establishing a simple routine at the end of the day. Instead of always focusing on, ‘what I did wrong, I’m not enough, this mom did it better than me, look, she did ten activities today and I didn’t do anything’…ask yourself, what am I proud of myself today as a parent? What did I do well? It’s such a simple question, but we usually focus on the negative things, on the things that we did wrong. Yet…
Aisha: It’s easy to do that, it’s so easy…
Nathalie: Yeah, it’s so easy. SO maybe you can have like a post-it next to your bed, on your nightstand reminding you, maybe you have an alarm on your phone reminding you so next time before you go to bed, you ask yourself this, you journal about it. And I promise you, when you actually say this out loud or write it out, you’ll realise that you’re doing an amazing job and you’re judging yourself based on one minute of one day. So, after you actually see, ok, what am I proud of myself today, then ask yourself, what is one thing, one small thing, it doesn’t have to be like changing your whole day, ha-ha, what is one small thing I could change tomorrow that would make me feel more empowered, more confident, and better as a parent. Maybe the next time when that situation arises, it’s lowering down to your child’s level, or taking a deep breath before you manage a situation, and some of these small shifts can really help us to feel better and more prepared. But we actually have to make it a part of our routine, to first of all be compassionate to ourselves, develop this practice of self-compassion, and then analysing what can I improve? But in a way that doesn’t make us feel pressured that we have to change all at once.
Aisha: Yeah, and I think that it’s important, like you said to make it a part of your routine, so it doesn’t get forgotten and lost so that’s amazing, thank you so much Nathalie. Is there anything else that you’d like to say to our listeners, any final advice or tips…ha-ha!
Nathalie: Yeah, something very simple but that I find that we also forget and it’s that – remind yourself to infuse more joy into your parenting! You know, don’t take yourself so seriously, do what you enjoy with your child, sit down and play with the m when you can and connect with them. Put the phone away for ten minutes, ha-ha! Be with them and know that we are all here on this journey together, we are all learning, we are all growing every single day. And you are doing an amazing job!
Aisha: That’s amazing, thank you so much. And Nathalie you have quite a big Instagram account and you said that you coach parents and mums…would you like to tell out listeners about that? Like where they can find you, how they can get in touch with you if they need to?
Nathalie: For sure, you can find me on www.gniappe.instagram and www.gniappe.com. And I currently am restructuring my one-on-one coaching programme so it’s going to launch at the end of this month, which is really exciting! If you are wanting to work with me, or you would like to chat about the possibility of working with me, reach out, you can send me an email or DM me on Instagram and we can get in touch.
Aisha: And I’ll put Nathalie’s details in the show notes, I’ll put links in there for everyone to access.
Great, well, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with you, and you know, I actually feel so much more positive for the rest of the day, I feel empowered, ha-ha, and encouraged to just the be the best person and the best parent that I can! So, thank you, I hope that everybody listening to this episode will feel the same. Actually, I’m pretty sure that they will! So, thank you very much Nathalie, thank you.
Nathalie: You’re so welcome. Thank you, Aisha, for having me!
Aisha: Thank you everyone for tuning in. I really hope that you enjoyed listening to this interview as much as I enjoyed speaking to Nathalie and you feel inspired to be kind to yourself and listen to yourself and believe in yourself, and really trust that you are the best parent for your child.
That’s it for this episode today. Thank you so much for listening again and one more great, big thank you to Nathalie for talking to us. We’re all in this together, and we have got this!
